"When I started to regain weight, the fears returned."
My name is Vanessa, I'm 32 years old and I'm a nurse. I had anorexia nervosa when I was 12, and at 30 I had a relapse from which I have managed to recover.
I don't intend to recount how it happened or what I felt during my eating disorder, but rather to explain my recovery process . I especially want to share how I managed to reconcile with my body and accept my weight gain.
In the midst of my relapse, I moved alone from Menorca to Oviedo to complete my final year of university. I found the strength to ask a psychiatrist for help, explaining my loneliness and how my situation had worsened. Recognizing that I couldn't do it alone was crucial. I finished my internship and began attending the day hospital.
How to prevent relapses in eating disorders?
It was a difficult process; it wasn't just about food or weight. There were family problems, financial difficulties, loneliness, emptiness... I felt like I was only accompanied by the eating disorder and the false belief that restricting my food intake and staying thin would make me feel better and more valuable. Wrong! It was all a lie, I can assure you now that I'm recovered.
At home, I decided to make a list of the challenges and pitfalls of my eating disorder . I removed the bathroom and kitchen scales, as well as all the apps related to food and exercise. With the help of my psychiatrist, especially in group sessions, I worked to resolve those issues I was carrying around.
The challenge of weight recovery
Little by little, I began to regain weight, and the negative thoughts returned : the lack of acceptance, the feeling of being worthless, of not being liked, the fear of ever feeling again... So I decided to fill all the mirrors with positive and motivating phrases that I read every time I looked at myself in them. When my clothes felt too small, I remembered my mantra: "Regaining weight is regaining life; I must trust my body."
After getting rid of the clothes that no longer fit, I faced the challenge of buying clothes in a larger size . With the help of a friend, I avoided looking in the mirror and chose clothes without checking the size, asking the sales assistant for the size I thought would fit. This helped me not to obsess over sizes.
A personal struggle for me was avoiding comparing myself to other girls . Every time I did, I tried to remind myself of the importance of diversity. Those I saw as better than me because of their bodies probably had their own worries, regardless of their physical appearance.
I started gaining weight and the negative thoughts returned. So I decided to fill all the mirrors with positive and motivational phrases that I read every time I looked at myself in them.
When someone criticized my weight loss, I was reminded that society is rife with prejudice against overweight people. I understood that gaining weight wasn't a personal problem, but rather a reflection of the person making that superficial judgment.
Fears that surface during the recovery process from an eating disorder
When the ravenous hunger hit, I felt a terrible fear of not being able to stop eating or of gaining weight. I felt like I was holding myself back, that I didn't want to continue, and I sought help from a nutritionist friend. She explained that it was normal, that the body was preparing itself in case I left it hungry again, and that I should listen to my body and give it what it needed to return to a state of balance. After following her advice for a week, when I returned to Menorca and surrounded myself with friends , feeling very, very scared, anxious, and even angry, I discovered that the craving for certain foods diminished once I satisfied it. Little by little, accepting the changes, reorganizing my thoughts, and trusting my body, I began to feel better in front of the mirror and around my plate .
I used to choose clothes without looking at the size, asking the sales assistant for the size I thought would fit. This helped me not to obsess over sizes.
Just as I relapsed without realizing it, I also gradually recovered. I noticed I revamped my entire wardrobe and I didn't feel bad anymore; I stopped obsessing over the calories on my plate and I stopped exercising just to burn them off.
Currently, I value myself for who I am. I prioritize my health, friendships, family, leisure, and work . I've learned to accept my emotions and channel them in a healthy way. I strive to maintain a balanced diet, being flexible and enjoying food, and I consider exercise an integral part of my social and leisure life.
Vanessa shares her experience with anorexia nervosa, which she developed as a child. A nurse by profession, after going through a long recovery process, which also included relapses, she has specialized in eating disorders. With the aim of helping others who may be going through a similar situation, she raises awareness through her Instagram profile @resiliencia_tca and offers workshops in schools and for families.
Her testimony focuses on some of the most difficult moments of her recovery, in which she had to face fears that "terrified" her, such as gaining weight or having to buy clothes in a larger size, and she shares some of the strategies she used then to overcome these challenges and regain confidence in herself, to love herself and "reconcile" with her body.
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