"I want to live well and fully, but I have to set my limits"
Joan has a degree in Catalan philology, is a secondary school teacher and shares an apartment with other classmates, while he hopes to have one of his own. He enjoys exercising and taking care of himself, going out, politics and everything related to the Catalan language and literature. Joan has known that he is autistic for three years.
When his father was diagnosed, he began to learn about this condition and, as he did so, he began to put together many pieces and felt identified with many of the characteristics of autism at different stages of life. "It was a bittersweet feeling: on the one hand, I felt relieved to find an explanation for everything that had happened to me, but at the same time it hurt a lot, because if I had known about it earlier, I would have surely saved myself many situations that have been very hard for me," he confesses, as has happened to so many other people who have been diagnosed in adulthood.
I've been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder in adulthood… Now what?
"I had a complicated childhood and adolescence, with episodes of bullying and seeing that I didn't quite fit in. I got along with some kids, but things didn't usually end well, either because I was very intense —which I understand could get tiring— or because I had a hard time detecting if the people I was with were hurting me, and when I realized it, I would hit them." And his studies weren't going very well either because, in general, he wasn't very interested in them.
If I had known earlier that I had autism, I would have probably been spared many situations that have been very hard for me.
But in the 4th year of ESO he decided what his vocation would be: "Working to normalize the Catalan language". And as you know, when a neurodivergent person focuses on an interest, he puts all his energy into it. So, against all odds, and to the surprise of many of his teachers, he decided to study baccalaureate, did a degree and headed towards his goal.
Socialization, the great challenge
At university, things changed a lot for him. "I was studying what I really liked and sharing this interest with my classmates helped me relate to it," he recalls, while thanking his parents for being able to study without having to work. With situations of blockage and stress , with medication at some point and without any kind of ease —because at that time he had no diagnosis—, he finished his degree, two postgraduate degrees and a master's degree . He also discovered that, like many other young people, he liked "going out to parties, getting dressed up, taking care of myself... and this also made him more interested in others."
The hardest thing for me is to hook up with girls. I have a hard time understanding all the double messages and body language involved. This has made me feel alone on many occasions.
Joan is very sincere when he speaks and says things as they come, as he feels them. So, when we talk about social life, he has no problem explaining that "the thing that I find most difficult is to hook up with girls , this has made me feel lonely on many occasions". He has undergone therapy to try to work on this area, but when he analyzes the reason for this situation he realizes that the social roles established between men and women play an important role: "It is assumed that, since I am the man, I am expected to take the first steps, but it is very difficult for me. The intensity with which I experience everything makes it difficult to start a conversation with someone I do not know and who attracts me at first sight. The way I express myself, verbally or non-verbally, must not help either: the fact of not looking into the eyes, of establishing physical contact ... And even today I have a hard time grasping the whole network of double messages and body language that the field of seduction implies", he says. This does not mean that he has not had a partner or other relationships, but he believes that it is "because either they did their part or they took the first step."
Studying for a university degree with ASD
The difficulties of working without adaptations
"Joan, why don't you look for another job?" This is what he had to hear from his superiors when he demanded the adaptations that he had previously agreed to in order to carry out his work without incident, which he has been doing for five years. "Is it true that if I were in a wheelchair they wouldn't make me go up the stairs? ", he reflects on this lack of sensitivity and general awareness.
My wear and tear is so great, I'm about to explode. When I get home, I need to rest to recover from the stress of so many responsibilities and the stimuli of the day.
He agreed on some adaptations with the Department of Education, including not doing tutoring or outings with the students , because, according to his complaint, "this means extra work that is too intense for me." When Joan started working full-time, he learned and made his autism diagnosis known, and this year, which he had managed to formalize his adaptations, he has 120 students in his care, one tutoring and no adaptations —or none that are sufficient—to make his work easier. "My wear and tear is very great, seriously, I'm about to explode. When I get home, I need to rest for more than an hour to recover not only from the stress that so many responsibilities entail, but from all the stimuli of the day, the noises...."
How to make a company neuro-inclusive?
He believes that having adaptations at work is really important for all people who need them, especially when it comes to his parents. "They have aged before they should, they have not had an easy life and the same demands have been made on them as on others. Not taking their condition into account has caused their brain to suffer and, among other things, they are now both completely disabled." He has even heard "how come your parents don't work, when they seem to be doing so well?", a comment that hurts him a lot, because "they have no idea what they have had to go through."
Joan doesn't want disability, he doesn't want to age prematurely, he doesn't want to have to lock himself in the house tired and exhausted from his workday. "I want to live well and fully. To do that, I know I have to work on my difficulties, but I also have to set my limits," he claims with the mantra of not repeating patterns.
This testimony is possible thanks to the association Aprenem Autisme .
We talk to Joan Estopañán , a secondary school teacher, who learned three years ago that he was autistic. The diagnosis came late, but it has helped him understand many situations throughout his life.
Joan explains the difficulties he now faces as an adult with autism, including the lack of adaptations in his workplace, which makes every day a great challenge for him, leaving him completely exhausted and stressed. But so is relating, especially with women.
This 31-year-old teacher claims his right to live fully, but he knows that if he doesn't make his limits clear, his health may suffer.
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