"Trusting and being trusted can change everything"
I'm Jordi, I'm 56 years old and it's been 28 years since I made two suicide attempts, that is, when I was 28; curious, to say the least. If I'm writing this testimony now, it's because I'm in a very new stage of life.
I have analyzed and understood that the purpose of life lies in the wound. In my case, the purpose of my life came to me at the age of 56, when I opened the door and let myself be seen on the new path that I am now beginning. I overcame the wound of suicide years ago, but I believe that it has allowed me to get to where I am now, that I have understood that my path as a professional designer, which has accompanied me since I was twenty, has ended.
And looking for where I wanted to take my life, both personally and professionally, in recent years I have been training in disciplines closer to accompanying people. And this is where I found my purpose: helping, accompanying, listening to and trusting people who have lived an experience similar to the one I lived. Life is one learning after another, a set of tests that we overcome. And why not think that my own experience of suicide was a test that I found myself overcoming and reaching my purpose here and today? I firmly believe that it has been so. Yes, things do not come alone and coincidences do not happen by chance.
A service that saves lives through the word
I wanted to leave discreetly.
Every person who comes to think about suicide in a real way, without a doubt, does so from their personal reality, which is never the same as that of others, but with similar connotations and details.
To begin with, when a person has decided to leave this physical plane, they seek to be alone and nothing else. What they see is an infinite black and empty spot twenty-four hours a day inside their head, in all their mental and physical space. You don't care at all about having an academic education, a job, family and friends, a roof over their head and a certain amount of experience in life. You don't give a damn about it all . All you want to do is leave, and do it as discreetly as possible.
Even though I had family, friends, studies, and a home, I only saw a black, empty spot. I didn't care about it all.
In my case, it was like this. At that time, I already had studies, a job, a family, friends, a house shared with my parents, a life to live. But that and nothing was the same. The only thing I suffered for, if I still had any left, were my parents, my brother and my first nephew , who was only a few days old. For this reason, I spent many days thinking about the different possibilities I had to commit suicide. What ways could be the most affordable for me, but at the same time the least cruel for my family. That night, after dinner with my parents, I collected the dishes and utensils, took them to the kitchen, went to my room, put on my pajamas and wrote many lines with words saying goodbye. Immediately, after brushing my teeth, I looked in the mirror and said to myself: "Goodbye, Jordi, that's all my time here."
The hours passed and I woke up to a jolt of movement from my mother, screaming and calling my name: Jordi! Jordi! Jordi! I never talked to her about it, but I imagine that the relief she felt when my body reacted by opening her eyes must have been one of gratitude and, at the same time, of pain, perhaps just like it was that morning of a day in May when I was born.
My mother, who didn't know what the hell had happened to her son, and especially since that morning shaken by this second suicide attempt, was visibly deteriorating physically. I also imagine that the fullness that filled her heart when she saw my eyes open must be difficult to explain.
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They rushed me to the hospital. Everything happened very quickly and I didn't know what to do and didn't have the energy to say anything, just an exhausted and lost look, as if I had been the victim of an explosion right next to my skin. Completely lost, without direction. I was admitted for a few days and in this second admission the keystone appeared: trust. A keystone that allowed me to see the light at the end of a dead-end tunnel. This word, trust, which for me means "to trust in you".
I followed psychiatric treatment and understood that ignoring everything the doctor told me, which was what I had been doing since the first suicide attempt, was not the way. I understood that everything could start to be less difficult if I opened myself up to talking , to emptying my stomach with a professional who was there to listen to me and accompany me. And that's how it was, from that moment when I began to trust, everything flowed.
My brother looked at me and said in a loud and calm voice: "Jordi, I trust you, we trust you, you'll get through this, you can get through this, you'll definitely get through this."
In the clinic room, my parents, devastated, were by my side. And there in the corner, sitting in an armchair, my brother was resting, if he could, which in days as hard as those was not easy. Ramon, my brother, looked at me and said loudly, calmly, and with shining eyes: "Jordi, I trust you, we trust you, that you will get out of this, you can get out of this, you will surely get out of this". This was the master key that opened access to the point of light. That is why it is necessary to say to the person who is a victim of the black space: "I trust, we trust, trust, you will surely get out of this. We are completely convinced". It will be a process that will take up the time that each person needs, but time will be the least important thing of all. Nothing real can be lost.
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And from there, a long therapy began with the subsequent recovery. The therapy lasted three years, with several staggered and progressive visits. I learned to understand the thoughts that hurt me a lot, thoughts that did not let me move forward , that made me live with constant fear. These thoughts that have the name and surname "Fear" are like a train that leaves the station with only the engine and, along the infinite journey with constant stops, more and more wagons are added loaded with more fears. Fears that feed back into each other , the past, the present and those that will come at the next stations. Life moves along rails in a black tunnel with no exit to the light. For this reason, the trust that you must perceive from the people you meet in this recovery process is very important.
When I have a negative thought, a fear, I provoke the opposite thought, that is, a positive thought. And this strategy works for me.
With months of therapy , I acquired the tools to understand why negative thoughts appear and how to calm them down. I wrote down all the negative thoughts and then provoked the opposite thought, that is, a positive thought. This new way of thinking, although at first it seemed impossible, helped me to start living and get to where I am now. The doctor told me: "Give yourself time and, when you have internalized the practice of this action-reaction formula, your vision of life will be real and you will live in a calm way". And I add: and full. I have been using this strategy of opposing thoughts every day since I learned it. It is automatic and works very well.
After three years, I was discharged; I was fully recovered, I stopped taking medication and started living . I got out of this black hole, and I say get out, because you can get out of it. I tell you this with all my heart and with all the truth that I can convey from a distance.
Hello, my name is Jordi Batalla Villanueva, I live with my partner and we have three teenage daughters. Until now I have been a cabinetmaker, industrial designer and artist in different disciplines of the plastic and applied arts. Now, at fifty-six years old, I am literally putting aside this professional facet and heading towards a new adventure on the road, because in the healing of the wound you can find the purpose of life .
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