"I needed to understand my son in order to be able to help him."
Sonia Herrero vividly remembers the day her son, Darío, had his first psychotic episode at age 19. "He'd been acting strangely for days, but I didn't realize something was wrong with him that went beyond adolescence. Then, on January 4th two years ago, in the early hours of the morning, I woke up and saw him on the balcony talking loudly to imaginary people, smoking and drinking." She associated this scene with many others she had witnessed with her brother, "who has had schizophrenia for over thirty years."
His symptoms worsened over the following days, with agitation, insomnia, and defiant and unusual behavior, until he was admitted to the hospital.
Guilt, fear, and acceptance
"When such an intense disorder strikes a family, it's impossible for relationships not to be affected, because that person you knew, just as you knew them, is no longer there," says Sonia, who describes her experience as a mother as a "journey": from fear and emotional impact , to seeking help to understand and support her son.
At first, she tells us that she entered a phase of emotional chaos and anger : “I felt it was my fault that my son was like this; and I was also angry with him, we argued constantly, because he wasn’t taking his medication, because he couldn’t work or study, but he had to structure his daily life…” Until she realized that it was all too much for her, that she needed help to manage the situation . “The caregiver needs someone to take care of them, they need information and tools to be able to understand and cope with everything,” she advises other families who may find themselves in this situation.
I was very afraid of social rejection, that no one would accept my son, that he wouldn't find a job, that he would be left alone.
And at the end of this "long journey" came the change: "You have to do a lot of inner work to let go of expectations , to not expect your child to recover and get well right away. You can't force a person to cooperate, to do what you think they should do. Now I understand and accept my son as he is and I can approach him with more love and compassion; now we listen to each other more, and from that place we have been able to make many steps."
Talking about psychosis to understand
When Sonia speaks of the fears that overwhelmed her when she realized her son had a mental health disorder, she emphasizes the fear of never getting him back on his feet and the fear that he would hurt himself or even take his own life during his most depressed moments. But among her deepest fears was social rejection , "the thought that no one would accept him, that he wouldn't find a job, that he would be alone."
For her, talking about her experiences is a way to " normalize and humanize people with psychosis , people with a history, with pain..." and in this way, perhaps, to move away from fears and prejudices. Sonia lived with her brother's disorder in absolute silence, but she has decided that it won't be the same with her son.
How to manage psychosis at home
Sonia Herrero is a therapist, writer, and speaker, but she is also a mother who has sought and found a way to support her son through a complex and painful mental health journey. She has decided to share everything she has learned in her book, When We Went Crazy . "When I started writing down my story and what I had gone through supporting my son, I realized all that I should have known, but that no one told me. That's why I write," she says. A clear statement of intent that she shares with us in this conversation.
We spoke with her about her role as the mother of a child with psychosis, about the need to have information and tools to cope with the situation and help the affected person, about fears, guilt and responsibility.
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