"I hated myself so much, I felt I deserved that pain."
I am 21 years old and, although I am now beginning to discover who I am and what I like, I can say that I have traveled a long and complex road.
From a young age, I was a shy person who had difficulty fitting in. I grew up in an environment I didn't like, in a housing development with a hostile atmosphere. This led me to isolate myself, to not socialize, to feel different.
My relationship with mental health started very early. At eight years old, I had my first anxiety attack. It was at the movies, watching Iron Man with my father. I felt like I was dying; I didn't know what was happening to me. They took me to a psychologist, but when they hinted that the problem might be at home, they stopped taking me. Since then, I've lived with this nameless anxiety, without tools, without help.
In adolescence, everything intensified. I felt out of place, I didn't want to do what everyone else was doing, but I felt obligated. I didn't like myself , I compared myself to others and only saw flaws in myself, I hated myself , and I even spent a summer without leaving the house because I felt too ugly. Back then, I could only look outward and not inward. At 14, a teacher at school told me that what was happening to me was that I was going through a "puppy age." I believed it and kept swallowing it all.
I felt out of place, I didn't like myself, I compared myself to others and only saw flaws in myself, I hated myself.
When I was fifteen, everything fell apart . I had leg surgery and had to stay in bed for two months, but right after that came the COVID lockdown. I spent nine months confined at home, with a very strained relationship with my parents, and when it was time to return to our routine, I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't want to live . That's when my mother, for the first time, decided to seek professional help.
Are you self-harming? Explain it and ask for help
Self-harm as a way to survive
I started self-harming when I was fifteen. During those years, self-harm was my way of surviving . I hated myself so much that I felt I deserved the pain. I felt frustrated, useless, trapped… And when I hurt myself, even if only for a few seconds, I felt relief ; it was as if everything disappeared for a moment. Afterward, of course, came the consequences: the scars, the control, the loss of freedom . But at that moment, none of that mattered to me.
I know it's hard to understand from the outside: Why would someone want to hurt themselves? But it's like an addiction; you know it's not good, but your brain only remembers that moment of peace, and when you start feeling bad again, you resort to the only thing you know works.
I felt frustrated, useless, trapped… And when I hurt myself, even if only for a few seconds, I felt relief, it was as if everything disappeared for an instant.
The truth is, stopping self-harm was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I needed help to do it. It didn't happen overnight: I went from doing it every three days, to every fifteen, then less and less. What helped me most was finding reasons to resist that kind of addiction: "If I self-harm, I'll lose the freedoms I've gained, I'll be controlled, monitored, and locked up again."
I also started trying things that had seemed absurd to me before, but which later turned out to be useful: exercising, taking cold showers, going for walks, cooking. At first, I didn't feel like doing anything, but I forced myself. Sometimes I would just think, "I'm going to talk to my sister," and that thought would save me, distract me, and keep me from the impulse.
Am I ready to stop self-harming?
Learning who I am and who I want to be
It's been over a year and a half since I last self-harmed. Not a scratch, not a pinch, not a mark. When the thoughts come, I recognize them, but they don't scare me, because they no longer have power over me. I've learned to cry when I need to, to go outside for fresh air, to cook, to walk, to keep my mind occupied. I still have a mental health condition, and I know I have to take care of myself, but I've learned to live with it .
So, if you're going through something similar, I want to tell you that it won't be easy, it won't be quick, but it will happen. Don't compare yourself to anyone, don't set deadlines . And above all, ask for help whenever you need it.
Today I feel strong, not perfect, but strong. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I shouldn't be ashamed of what I've been through; on the contrary, even though it's been hard, I'm making the most of it.
Inés always wanted to be a pilot, but she had to drop out of high school after a period in which depression consumed her entire life. She remembers her first anxiety attack at age eight, her teenage years spent not wanting to leave the house, and the times when she found in self-harm a perverse ally that she struggled to break free from.
Now, as she explains, she is discovering who she is and who she wants to be, making up for all the time that was lost years ago. She is studying administration and waiting to be accepted into a vocational program in emergency medical services. She loves to read, now that she can concentrate, she shares her life with her partner, and she continues working on this long recovery process.
Inés wanted to share her experience and reflections with us, as she says, without being ashamed of everything she has lived through, from the perspective of someone who is still rediscovering herself.
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