"I had to build a new version of myself"
After having my first and only psychotic episode , my life was turned upside down: I didn't understand what was happening to me, it seemed like I was in my worst nightmare, I was hospitalized, everything I had built collapsed, I lost part of my independence, I had to go back to live with my father and brother, I couldn't work, I lost friends... I didn't know whether to explain what had happened to me, which made me put some distance between myself and the people closest to me and I felt loneliness up close .
My brain had short-circuited and was now working at half-speed, I couldn't sustain my attention, I had a terrible time reading, remembering what someone had just said to me and following the thread of a normal conversation. In addition, I was suffering from the side effects of the medication I had been prescribed after the psychotic episode: weight gain, involuntary movements with my mouth, dizziness, dry mouth, changes in my vision, a lot of sleep... among others.
All these difficulties had added up in my day to day life and now I needed to adapt my life to them. At that moment I had to start from scratch to build what would be a new version of myself , in which I had to put my life in order, give it a name and understand what had happened to me, accept it and create a new lifestyle suitable to the new circumstances.
My brain was working at half-speed, I couldn't sustain my attention, I had a terrible time reading, remembering what I had just been told and following the thread of a normal conversation.
This step was the most difficult, because I was not informed about what had happened to me until I contacted the Adult Mental Health Center (CSMA), where my psychiatrist mentioned that I had had a psychotic episode. She told me very clearly and it was what I needed the most, because I was very confused and didn't understand anything. She gave me psychoeducation about what it was, the possible symptoms I could have and what the prescribed treatment would be. It was then that I began to understand and put order within myself and I was able to begin the acceptance process, which I believe is the most key.
The road to recovery
I did everything that the CSMA recommended; I signed up for a laughter therapy workshop, participated in a psychoeducation group for psychotic episodes, and began university training as a Peer to Peer Support Agent, which involves supporting other people who have been through a similar situation to mine and thus facilitating their experience. Apart from that, I complemented it with going to the gym three to four times a week and further training in a technique to release trauma through shaking, the TRE ( trauma release exercise ). The point was to be able to leave the house as much as possible and build a routine so that I wouldn't be at home all day thinking and doing nothing . I was very clear that I had to occupy my time to be better.
Returning to routine after a psychotic episode
Even so, I felt very lost, I felt empty and hopeless , I felt that the only thing that excited me a little was the gym. I hit rock bottom and that's when I realized that everything I was doing wouldn't help me if I didn't get to the bottom of it. It was then that I went to a private psychotherapist specializing in trauma , because I felt that I was doing everything on my part, but that there were many unresolved things inside me. We worked on the fears, the insecurities, what I wanted to do with my life, the importance of continuing to take the medication despite its side effects, the traumatic experience of the outbreak, the shame and the fact of having to explain it. She made me understand that I had to start explaining it to someone I felt comfortable with and who knew that I would treasure my experience. In short, someone I could trust.
I worked through fears, insecurities, what I wanted to do with my life, the importance of continuing to take medication, the traumatic experience of the outbreak, the shame and having to explain it.
Since then, everything has gotten better, although I have my weak days . Now, a year after the psychotic episode and after all this storm, I can say that I am achieving some stability , I have regained hope, I have lost many of the fears I had, others have diminished, the shame has gone and I am able to explain my experience . In addition, I have begun to give meaning and learning to the things I was and am doing. Now I try to go to the gym once or twice a week; I have added the practice of yoga which is helping me learn to relax, to breathe, to self-regulate; TRE complements yoga and teaches me to enjoy, to be curious, since I can tremble in very different ways and with all parts of the body; it helps me feel that things should be easy, that they flow and not force anything; The Peer to Peer course has provided me with references, all the teachers in the course have had some form of psychopathology and explain their experiences, thus confronting all the stigma and helping me believe that recovery is possible.
Ainhoa García Gómez
In conclusion, having had the psychotic episode has brought me good things, such as being able to greatly improve my relationship with my family , which was previously non-existent. I have also forged new friendships and distanced myself from those who were toxic or bad influences; now it is less difficult for me to set limits. In addition, I have regained the enthusiasm to go back to studying and do a master's degree. With all this, I have learned to take much better care of myself: now I go to bed earlier and rest at least eight hours a day, I have reduced my coffee consumption, and I have switched to decaffeinated, and I do not drink alcohol.
Not every day is good and I want to make it clear, I have my ups and downs and, although it's only been a year, time has passed very slowly for me and I've had dark days where I didn't want to get out of bed, but, even though I didn't want to, I ended up getting up. Ultimately, I think I'm on the road to recovery.
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