"That big black monster came and took over me"

Rosa is a 61-year-old woman, positive and cheerful, who loves being a grandmother to her two grandchildren, aged seven and five, going out to have fun with her friends and enjoying good times with her partner and family. She has lived in Camarasa, a small town in Lleida, for fifteen years, "a dream that I have managed to make come true", as she tells us.

"Sometimes I think I'll wake up and it'll all be a lie, because I'm so good and I feel so good... But then I tell myself that I deserve everything, because I've fought so hard to be where I am." Yes, Rosa has had to fight to recover from a depression that led her to try to end her life . "This monster came, so big and so black, and it took over me. It's a monster that eats everything: the senses, the will, everything! And there came a time when I couldn't see anything, I just wanted to end all this pressure, this suffering," she recalls, in this graphic way.

This episode meant a before and after for her, and from there she began the long road to recovery . "I didn't really want to die, I just wanted to rest because I didn't have the strength to continue fighting. But then, I realized what I had done and said: no, this can't be, this monster can't handle me". Treatment, therapy, mutual aid groups, mind control, Reiki, information... Rosa sought all the tools to be able to move forward, to "be aware of what's happening to you and find a way out". Tools that she now uses when, from time to time, this "monster" reappears in her life. When this happens, she explains the trick she uses: "I look in the mirror and talk to myself: what's wrong with you? Why are you like this today? The person you are shouldn't go unnoticed. You have to realize who you are and everything you've been through".

Taboo, silence and recovery

Rosa explains that she felt quite alone and misunderstood while she was depressed and that those around her couldn't help her because they didn't know how to. "Can't you see that I'm not well? But no, mental health disorders were still more taboo then than now, when they're talked about more. I even thought that I wish I was plastered from top to bottom so that people could see that I wasn't well," she tells us. For this reason, this survivor claims the need to talk about mental health and suicide: "We have to verbalize that we're not well, we have to be able to say it openly so that we can receive the necessary help, without fear, without thinking that they won't understand us."

If you realize that you are not well, you have to ask for help, look for alternatives and fight. And you can get out of it. Life is very beautiful and we should enjoy it.

The day Rosa was discharged from her psychiatrist, she explains that her head "clicked" and she said to herself " now I want to live, I want to enjoy everything ". And when she looks back she feels proud: "All this happened to me? All this I fought to get here? Many things have happened to me, many bad moments, but I managed to click, empty the backpack I was carrying, be myself, take the reins of life. And when you do it, it's very strong".

When I ask her what strategies she follows to be well, her face lights up. Her environment has been key in this entire recovery process: family, friendships, her partner, feeling loved and loving... But she also confesses to us other tricks that work for her: "You have to be aware of everything around you. When I go for a walk, I hear the birds singing, I look at the trees and I step on the grass. I value work, food, the house where I live, family, going to parties, going dancing". And she wants to end the conversation by emphasizing a message: "If you realize that you are not well, you have to ask for help, look for alternatives and fight, and you can get out of it. Because life is very beautiful and we have to enjoy it".

This testimony is possible thanks to the Catalan Association for Suicide Prevention .