"Being a mother helped me get out of the pit I was in"
My story with eating disorders began when I was seventeen, although it began to develop many years before. I had always been a very cheerful and sweet girl, who didn't make people angry at home so as not to disturb them, because there was already enough trouble at home. Over the years, this "wanting to be someone I'm not" , added to the fact that I was a very "chubby" girl, began to create a Jorgina that I didn't like at all, the complete opposite of what my surroundings thought.
Ever since I can remember, I dreamed of having a family. And in these dreams, I wanted to have a foreign partner, perhaps English or Nordic, three children and live abroad. In this projection of my life I also added being a flight attendant, and a few years later I started studying to be one. This standard of living that I carried on my shoulders was one of the triggers for my eating disorder.
So, I found myself at seventeen in a flight attendant school, where I was one of the "biggest" girls in the class, hating my body. From that moment on, the "monster" took over me. I don't know how or where I got the idea, and at the time I wasn't aware of the name of the disorder I was starting to develop, but later I learned that it was bulimia . The first year I kept it quiet, no one knew anything about it, but later everything came to light.
Pressure to conform to beauty standards can trigger eating problems
The beginning of the eating disorder
At first, I would throw up everything I ate, even if I only had an apple for lunch, I also had the need to get it out of my body. Since I was on a diet at the time (my mother accompanied me to my check-ups with the dietitian), the weight loss did not surprise anyone. In fact, I went on a few diets when I was a teenager ; my mother weighed 130 kg before she had a stomach reduction, so at home the topic of weight and talking about losing weight or gaining weight was very common.
When I was 18, something else came into my life: drugs . Going out to party to escape and, on top of that, losing weight much faster was a bargain! I was like that for a year, until I realized that if I didn't leave that environment, it would end very badly, and so I did. When I finished my second and last flight attendant course, I packed my bags and left for London . It was the fourth time I had gone there, so I didn't want to go again, but this time I was doing it for adventure and that excited me even more.
The next fourteen years of my life were hell; I continued to bulimic, I continued to date, I continued to be with guys who were toxic to me, and I continued to destroy myself little by little.
There things got worse. I started binge eating and, after two and a half months and having gained fourteen kilos, I had to go back home to seek help. It was at that moment that my parents and siblings found out about my disorder and also about my outings with something other than alcohol.
I've never been one to talk about my "grief" (that's the role I had taken on at home), so the thought of going to a psychologist was driving me crazy. But I was so bad, I needed to get out of that pit. My mother made an appointment with a psychologist who didn't specialize in ED, but on the first visit he made such a big joke on me that I never went back, not only to that psychologist, but to any other.
The long-standing eating disorder
Shortly after, I became pregnant with my first partner, a partner who abused me psychologically as much as he wanted and more. I did not carry the pregnancy to term and, after a year, I left him. The next fourteen years of my life were hell; the hell of seeing none of my dreams come true: I continued to have bulimia, I continued to date, I continued to be with guys who were toxic to me and continued to destroy me little by little. The guilt of not having been a mother haunted me for all those years; I had thrown away one of my big dreams and I could not forgive myself. That sank me every day, and seeing how the people around me got married and had families caused me even more guilt and frustration. Then the question that we rarely ask ourselves began to appear: what did I come to do in this world? What is my purpose in life?
Asking for help, the first step to recovery
I asked my GP for help , who referred me to Bellvitge Hospital, where I did group therapy for a couple of months. There they realised that not only did I have problems with eating, but that I was very depressed. After a year and a half, I hit rock bottom and that's when I quit my job (I've had many jobs, many apartment changes, many population changes and many failed relationships) and dedicated myself to myself. When I had the visit with my GP I explained that I felt very bad, that I wanted to die . I remember he made me write a letter and, when I took it to him the next day and left it, he referred me to the mental health centre at the Hospital de Sant Antoni, in Vilanova i la Geltrú.
It was a very sabbatical first year, of walking a lot, vomiting a lot, binge eating and being more depressed than ever. At that time I was doing volunteer work at the Friends of the Elderly association and the truth is that "my grandmother" Emília helped me a lot, without her being aware of it. But my life continued up and down, always in motion: I went to Úbeda to work, I went to Germany for a month to see my best friend... And I was already 37 years old.
When my son was born the vomiting stopped, I stopped doing what I had done for over 21 years, I quit smoking and stopped going out.
And then I met my last partner and, after three months of being together, I got pregnant . Wow! My dream came true, I was happy, very happy, he told me he would be by my side, but it wasn't and we broke up. It was a pregnancy with a lot of nerves and a lot of anxiety, but my family was always by my side, and I also had and have a very good relationship with my son's father's family.
Finally the day came when Biel wanted to go out , or rather he was forced to go out a little… August 18, 2016, when I was almost 39 years old, was the happiest, most exciting and “heartbreaking” day of my life. Now it was no longer about me, but about him, Biel. He would need all my support, love and dedication, so, as if by magic, the vomiting stopped , I no longer thought about doing what I had done for over 21 years, I quit smoking and stopped going out at night (I didn't go out much anymore either).
Warning signs of bulimia nervosa
Motherhood, a turning point with fears and doubts
Biel gave me a lot of strength. He is now 7 years old, and in these seven years I have come out of fears, insecurities, frustration, shame ..., and, surely, some of these emotions and symptoms I have passed on to him, because children are mirrored in what they see. And, although I have worked on many of these aspects, I see in him that he has a hard time containing frustration, that he wants to make everything perfect, that he wants to have everything under control, that he doesn't want to let his friends down, that he keeps quiet so as not to make them angry, that he does everything possible to be accepted in his group... And I'm afraid that he will go through what I went through . But I will do everything in my power to prevent that from happening! That is why I now dedicate myself, as a therapist, to helping people with EAD. That is why I do not stop training, that I have done many therapies and that I will continue to do so, as long as I am needed. And that's why my son has had the support of a psychopedagogical teacher for a few months now.
Sometimes I'm afraid that my son will go through what I went through and I see some of my insecurities and frustrations in him. But I'm doing everything I can to prevent that from happening.
I have dyslexia and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and I grew up believing that I was stupid, that I was useless, that I was incapable of maintaining anything stable, and that my life was worthless. But since I found out, not many years ago, I have realized how brave I have been all my life, and I have managed to love and accept myself as I am . Now I respect my body and my life.
Eating disorders in pregnancy
My son saved me from the pit I was in. For me, he is and will be my superhero and I will do my best to be his superheroine mother, with my flaws and virtues, with my good and bad things, with my mistakes and learnings, but, above all, with my love and my presence , because in the end, what we human beings need is love and presence, and that is something that everyone is capable of giving. And if someone doesn't know, they can learn.
On that August 18, 2016, not only was Biel born, I was also reborn.
This testimony is possible thanks to the Association against Anorexia and Bulimia (ACAB).
Featuring
