"Writing in my diary was my refuge"
At 16, anorexia crossed my path. I was in my first year of high school when many fears and obsessions about food, my weight, my body, etc., began to grow inside me. The main fear that arose within me was the belief that "I can't eat."
My life began to revolve around losing weight; avoiding food at all costs, as it was my greatest fear. Little by little, my inner energy and motivation to live faded away. Fear and pain gained strength and prominence in my life.
When my situation became more critical in June 2014, I was admitted to the day mental health center for children and young people in Manresa, my hometown. Being in a mental health center was a very traumatic experience. One summer day, I had the worst anxiety attack of my entire ordeal with anorexia. It was on that day that I decided to write down everything I was feeling in a notebook. I needed to release all the toxic emotions and thoughts that were tormenting me.
Strategies for coping with common situations in eating disorders
From then on, I began writing down my experiences, my thoughts, and my most intimate emotions every day. This helped me see my situation with a little more clarity. Transforming and materializing that inner voice of my disorder into words helped me not to identify with those intrusive thoughts and allowed me to connect with myself. Writing was my time, my safe space, where I could release everything I was experiencing, without criticism or judgment. I did it solely for myself.
I decided to write down everything I was feeling in a notebook. I needed to release all my emotions and the toxic thoughts that were tormenting me.
At the end of that summer, I was discharged from the day center and was able to continue my studies and start my second year of high school. But I wasn't completely well. I stopped writing and, mentally, I hadn't recovered.
From 2015 until early 2022, I had some relapses and didn't want to talk about my eating disorder. I was ashamed of that time in the day center. Then, in 2022, I decided to return to therapy so I could heal and fully recover from my eating disorder . And I also started writing in my journal again.
How do I know if I'm recovering from anorexia?
At the end of 2023, after a therapy process where I reconnected with the pain of that period, but which also allowed me to understand my disorder from a different perspective, I made a full recovery . Now, ten years later, I have transcribed the diary I wrote during my hospital stay, adding my current reflections, to share what I learned during this process in book format.
I want to share what it means to live with an eating disorder. To break down stigmas surrounding mental health, raise awareness, create understanding, and give hope that recovery is possible.
I want to provide a realistic perspective on what it means to live with an eating disorder. To break down stigmas surrounding mental health, raise awareness, and offer hope that recovery is possible. I hope these words can inspire and support people seeking understanding and guidance in their own journeys.
From my own experience, I can share that writing about our daily lives can help us process fears, emotions, uncertainty, suffering... It's a powerful tool for taking care of our mental health, as it helps us discover ourselves, understand ourselves better, and heal in a safe and personal space.
For Anna Ruiz Ayala, writing has been essential in her recovery process from anorexia nervosa, which she developed when she was 16. During her trips to and from the hospital, a journey marked by relapses and truly difficult moments, writing down her emotions in her diary helped her reconnect with herself.
Now, she has decided to turn her most intimate diary into the book I Can't Eat , to share the reality of an eating disorder, but also the hope that recovery is not only possible, but the way forward. "Writing is a powerful tool for taking care of our mental health," says this courageous woman, who encourages all those going through the same situation to seek this safe and personal space.
Featuring
