From the search for answers, to connecting with myself
This is my story with schizoaffective disorder . I'm Maitz, I'm 36 years old, from Barcelona, and I'm of Filipino origin. I'm sharing this story so that it can help anyone who reads this, especially if they're going through something similar. And to show that it's possible to live with this mental health disorder.
I was diagnosed with the disorder about eight years ago, but the worst part hasn't been the diagnosis itself, but rather the time leading up to it, the time during the diagnosis, and the moments when I've had the episodes. Schizoaffective disorder involves experiencing schizophrenic symptoms and abrupt mood swings. Sometimes I feel euphoric and other times depressed, but with medication, therapy, and my own personal work, I manage it quite well.
Now, as an adult and having lived with the disorder for many years, I must say I'm proud to perceive or see things differently , to have become the woman I am today, given what I have. Although when I'm feeling unwell, it's clear things are more serious. In these eight years, I've had two major episodes: the first was before the diagnosis and the second in August 2023.
First episode: searching for the answer to my discomfort
The first episode lasted quite a while, I don't know if it was a year or more. I don't remember much of what I went through; my brain protects me in that respect. But when I try to revisit that time, very dark emotions come flooding back: depression, unease, stress. I didn't dare leave the house because I had agoraphobia. I felt very confused . In fact, there came a point where I wanted to take my own life. It might shock you to read something like that, but if you ask me, I'll talk about it openly, because it was real. That experience was a turning point; I realized that the only way forward was to move forward. It's hard to live through something like that, hard to be aware that you have a condition that limits you in certain ways. When there's so much mental noise, paranoia, depression, when your self-esteem is undermined, you think you're worthless and life seems pointless . That's how I felt during my first episode. You don't know where to begin to rebuild your life , to rebuild yourself. My brain was incapable of reading a text, following a conversation, or speaking coherently. Therefore, I've had to rebuild myself as a person , construct a new version of myself both times.
When you have so much mental noise, paranoia, depression, when your self-esteem is undermined, you believe you are worthless and you see no meaning in life.
Having a disorder like this puts a lot of pressure on the mind. After many years of working on myself, reading self-help books, and going to therapy, I've learned that you need therapy, a safe social environment you can rely on, and medication. But in the first episode, I was stuck in a loop of dwelling on my distress, with no answers as to what was happening to me. I sought help from all sorts of sources: friends who abandoned me, a family constellations therapist, even tarot readers, thinking that what I was experiencing was something profound. I read a ton of self-help books, believing I could get through it on my own. Basically, I was searching for answers. Meanwhile, what was really happening to me?
It was such a relief when I got the diagnosis, because I was finally able to find answers after searching for them for so long.
I believed that the people around me back then wanted to hurt me and weren't helping me at all. I blamed my parents for what was happening to me, until I reached a point where I realized I was an adult and had no choice but to fix it myself. I remember talking about how unwell I felt, but no one took me seriously. In the eyes of others, even my family, it was me who wasn't making an effort to get better or helping myself. Since I couldn't hold down a job, it seemed like I didn't want to work, but the truth is, I couldn't even work. Imagine being in my shoes, constantly paranoid, thinking that everyone around you wants to hurt you , and feeling other people's negative energy. And you believe it so fervently that you live with anguish and anxiety.
Finally, I went to my family doctor asking for a psychologist, and they saw I was in such bad shape that they referred me for anxiety. From there, between tests and therapy sessions, they finally arrived at a diagnosis. It was such a relief to find answers after searching for them for so long.
Emotional self-regulation in psychotic disorders
Relapse: Symptoms and Signs
In this last episode, I had hallucinations , in addition to everything mentioned before. The belief that they were talking about me (self-reference) caused me anxiety. What my mind was doing was paying attention to conversations of strangers taking place right around me, believing they had something to do with my life or me. I wasn't able to trust anyone because I believed people wanted to hurt me, and I didn't feel safe enough to express what I was going through. Basically, I believed that others wouldn't understand what I was thinking and feeling. In the first episode, I felt very alone, but not in this second one . My environment understood better what I was going through. And what also changed is that I realized I was having a relapse. And you might ask, how can you have a relapse?
Throughout my treatment, they considered weaning me off the medication and only going to therapy (so you can see there's hope of stopping medication, as long as you take care of yourself and know yourself well). So, they gradually lowered my dose, but, as fate would have it, I relapsed and didn't realize it until I had anxiety the night I got back from a trip. There are many factors to consider in a situation like that. In my case, things weren't good at home, and there was a lot of stress at work, so without realizing it, I was experiencing symptoms and didn't notice them until I had this severe anxiety episode. I couldn't manage the situation on my own; I had to call emergency services and was admitted to the hospital.
I was unable to trust anyone, because I believed that people wanted to hurt me and I didn't feel any safe place to express what was happening to me.
The tricky thing about all this is that it's difficult to detect. In my case, I've become much more aware of how my mind works since my diagnosis, although that doesn't mean it isn't difficult. Now I can talk about it calmly, but those who suffer from something like this know how serious it is. This disorder affects my entire life , and although I've had a really tough time, I've finally had the right support at the right time. My brain works differently, hence the therapy and medication to help me manage my daily life. What really makes me feel better is becoming aware of what's happening to me , understanding the disorder thoroughly, because it affects my personal and professional life, and also those around me.
Today, I lead workshops where I use tools I employ to manage my disorder, focusing on body acceptance, self-connection, and inner well-being. This disorder has given me a deep awareness and connection with myself, allowing me to understand how it works and delve deeper into my inner self. That's why I want to train as a peer-to-peer mentor, so I can support others on their journey.
I hope this reading has shed a little more light on the peace you must be seeking. It is possible.
Relapses in psychotic disorders
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