"OCD robbed me the most beautiful experience of life"
The goal with which I make public and share something that is still very painful for me to remember is the hope that these lines will serve to give voice to a situation that affects many women who decide to become mothers, and who face that moment with the expectation of living the experience with pure happiness and whom OCD robs of what is, perhaps, the most important vital moment of their existence.
I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and major depression. For those unfamiliar with OCD, it is primarily characterized by the presence of irrational and unwanted thoughts, ideas, and feelings , as well as fears that become obsessive, triggering compulsive behaviors that are often repetitive. In many cases, these behaviors cause us to act in a certain way or follow a series of rituals or steps that help us feel relieved, albeit only temporarily. When these rituals or compulsive behaviors cannot be performed, we often feel overwhelmed by enormous anxiety and suffering .
I'm a middle-aged woman. I was diagnosed with OCD in my youth, but I think the disorder has been with me my whole life. I was a perfectionist, hyper-moralistic, hyper-responsible child… I was able to lead a, let's say, "normal" life (I don't like to use the word "normal," but I think you'll understand what I mean when I use it): I graduated from university, got a good job, got married… and became a mother.
OCD, a disorder that causes great suffering
My baby: the focus of my obsessions
And it was precisely at that crucial moment in my life, which I had lived with absolute joy, that OCD struck, preying on what I loved most: my son. I had been "formally" diagnosed with the disorder for fifteen years, but other kinds of obsessions had occupied my mind: contamination, repetition, checking, magical thinking, order, and symmetry… The focus of these obsessions became my baby : I was consumed by the fear of intentionally harming him or of something bad happening to him accidentally. Intrusive, horrifying, and constant thoughts tormented my mind: they told me repeatedly that I might be capable of poisoning his bottles or dropping him. If he got sick (which, as you know, happens regularly to babies and children), I blamed myself entirely; perhaps I had infected him with some serious illness through some possible negligence? The suffering and guilt were unbearable : How could I think I was capable of doing something like that? My son was and is what I love most in this life. I made thorough checks of everything that could pose a danger to my baby, I spent the day wondering if, due to some carelessness on my part, or simply because "I lost my mind", I could have hurt him.
Intrusive, horrifying, and constant thoughts tormented my mind: they kept telling me that I might be capable of poisoning his bottles or dropping him from my arms.
I sought understanding from those closest to me, my family, but I found none. Even one of my closest relatives kept telling me that if I explained my thoughts to the doctors, they would "take" my son away. That was killing me. Imagine: I thought I was capable of harming the one I loved most . Was I a murderer? Was I crazy? The actions of those around me reinforced that idea.
The hospitalizations in the psychiatric ward began (which separated me from sharing irreplaceable moments with my baby, so crucial for strengthening the mother-child bond), along with every possible combination of medications… but nothing improved my condition. I was a living dead person for two years. I even attempted suicide . I didn't want to die, but the thought of potentially harming my son was too much suffering. I kept telling myself I was a monster.
Guilt, shame, and stigma
And it was during one of those hospital stays, huddled in a corner of a hospital room, that I begged them to help me die. I said I was a murderer and that I didn't deserve to be in this world. I remember the psychiatrist staring at me and asking me to repeat what I had said, to explain exactly why I thought that way. And between sobs, I answered that I loved my son and didn't want to hurt him , but I also didn't want to be separated from him, to have him taken away from me; I preferred to die. The doctor looked me in the eye and said firmly, "Those kinds of thoughts are part of your OCD. They're called impulse phobias . You're not going to cause any harm to your son." I didn't understand anything. But that was the turning point of a long road that isn't over yet, a road of struggle, of internalizing that "I am not what I think," and that those kinds of ego-dystonic thoughts don't define me as a person.
While there is increasing awareness of the importance of caring for the mental health of mothers postpartum and during the first years of motherhood, an essential part is still missing: informing mothers, families and mental health professionals about the symptoms that may occur, as well as the taboos surrounding these disorders.
The mother may fear that if she expresses her fears, she will be considered ill or a bad mother who cannot care for her child. And faced with that, she prefers to say nothing.
If seeking help from a specialist for OCD symptoms is already difficult, it's even harder during this time of year due to the guilt, shame, and secrecy associated with the disorder itself, especially when everyone expects the arrival of a new baby to be a joyous occasion. Furthermore, a mother may fear that revealing her anxieties will lead to her being labeled ill or a bad mother incapable of caring for her child.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder in the perinatal stage
By providing clear education about OCD , and with the invaluable help of mental health professionals, so much suffering can be prevented. It is the individual responsibility of each of us to raise awareness and destigmatize OCD. Because (and now I borrow some words from Eduardo Galeano) I am convinced that "Many small people, in small places, doing small things, can change the world." I insist, so much suffering can be prevented . If just one mother doesn't have to go through everything that I and so many other women have gone through, it will all have been worthwhile.
I wouldn't want to end this testimony without thanking all the excellent professionals who have accompanied me on my journey. Thanks also to my friends for reassuring me that I am not alone. And especially to my son, who has taught me so much since he came into this world and who is the driving force in my life.
This testimony has been possible thanks to the Associació TOC Catalunya
Perinatal obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) affects approximately 2% of women during pregnancy and 2.5% postpartum. During pregnancy, obsessions and compulsions are often related to cleanliness, while postpartum, aggressive fears toward the baby, known as impulse phobias, quickly emerge. These cause significant distress for mothers and profoundly impact their lives and their relationship with their children during the first months or years of life.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) robbed Mercedes (a pseudonym) of the joy of motherhood during her son's early years. Intrusive thoughts tormented her mind , making her believe she was capable of harming her baby. How could she possibly think of doing something like that to her child? The guilt and suffering consumed her, driving her to attempt suicide. Listening to her story, we realize how crucial it is to inform and raise awareness about women's mental health during the postpartum period to prevent and avoid such situations.
