"All I can do is believe in my daughter and walk by her side."
Clara was fourteen when she identified with a girl's story on social media about her experience with eating disorders. She asked her, "I think what you're describing is happening to me," and fortunately, the girl replied, "Tell your parents." And so she did. This was the beginning of a long, ever-changing journey, full of ups and downs, that is still ongoing and has been complicated by other mental health issues. Her mother, Silvia , shares her experience with us in the hope that it will help other families in similar situations.
My daughter has a mental health problem; can anyone help me?
“When it started, it was tough: not knowing about the disorder, internalizing what was happening, the dinners at home… But what I didn’t know then was that it would be nothing compared to everything that was to come ,” recalls Silvia, now that almost three years have passed. Clara started treatment and her recovery was going very well; but after the COVID-19 lockdown, she couldn’t return to school. “I couldn’t walk, I had no strength, she would say to me, ‘Mom, what’s wrong with me?’ She had anxiety attacks, she cried and told me she didn’t want to live, that she couldn’t live like that. Suddenly, it wasn’t food anymore, now it was something else. And I started going to the emergency room , because everything was new to me then and I didn’t know where to go or what to do.”
She was diagnosed with major depression . "That's when my daughter broke down," Silvia explains. But before the diagnosis, she went to the emergency room several times, called every hospital to find out what to do, and the online support from the primary care center (it was during the pandemic) never arrived. "The truth is, you feel very helpless . It's not just that you don't know what to do, but you don't really understand what's happening, and nobody tells you where to go, until you finally figure out the process you have to follow to get help," this mother tells us, taking the opportunity to point out some shortcomings in the care system : "I've learned that, normally, everything depends on the will, the heart, and the understanding of the person in front of you . If they open doors for you, you'll get as far as you can go." This statement applies to all areas, including studies, which Clara cannot continue right now, largely due to "the lack of adaptations and options to be able to study or train when you have a problem, when you deviate from what is socially considered 'normal'," Silvia denounces.
The truth is that you feel very helpless; it's not just that you don't know what to do, but that you really don't understand what's happening and nobody explains where you should go.
In this process he also says that he has missed "having them explain to you as many times as necessary and openly what is going on from the beginning, that it will be a long process, that you must have a lot of patience, and that they never think that you have been able to assimilate and understand everything."
Accompanying a person with depression
Accompanying a daughter along a long and complex path
Silvia has lived through very difficult times with her daughter , including hospitalizations, suicide attempts, serious self-harm, and complicated family situations. She speaks candidly about some of the feelings she has experienced: “When your daughter rejects you, when she has an empty look that isn’t her own, when she stops smiling, when she stops wanting to live and appreciate everything she used to do, it’s as if she’s been replaced. And sometimes you feel like your soul is leaving you . It’s very hard to be there, to understand, to know what’s happening, and it’s all very confusing. In the end, you see that she’s suffering a lot , even if you can’t understand it, and the only thing you can do is love her very much, believe in her, and accompany her through this long and complex process.”
Over the years, Silvia has come to understand and seek out resources that can help her, such as group therapy where she can share experiences with other mothers and fathers going through similar situations. Now she knows that it's difficult for someone who hasn't been through it to understand the situation , to understand that "sometimes it seems like you don't love your daughter, because you feel anger and think she's selfish, and you get angry, and you want to set limits, but then, someone who has been through this tells you 'give her some space,' and there comes a moment when you realize that you can only love her and make her feel that you're walking beside her; that she wants to get better and when she can, she will, and that the same desire to die and not get up is what she has to be well." And she confesses: "It's been hard, but it's been liberating for me to think this way. Now I see the immense effort she makes every day and I admire her for it."
The role of the family and the environment of people at risk of suicide
Silvia describes the arrival of a mental health disorder in the home as " a bomb exploding " that affects the entire family. In her case, she had to stop working for eight months to cope with the situation. During those first months, the suffering and anguish were constant : "When I was feeling better and went out with a friend, I knew I should let her go, but it was hard; or when she was a little late leaving the day hospital, I would wait for her on the balcony thinking, 'Today's the day they're going to call me.'"
There comes a point when you realize that all you can do is love her and make her feel like you're walking beside her. Now I see the immense effort she makes every day, and I admire her for it.
As a mother, she has done and continues to do everything possible to ensure her daughter's well-being , but she still wonders, "What more can I do?" Even so, she acknowledges that "I can't control the most important factor, which is her, and I hope she can embrace life." And over time, she has come to understand, "That's life; it can change at any moment, and you can't live in fear because it leads you to a very dark place . Of course, something could happen to her, but something could also happen to my other child crossing the street."
Clara continues her journey, with its ups and downs, constantly sabotaging herself with a self-imposed pressure that, according to her mother, feels like a constant obstacle. She's trying to fit into a world that sometimes feels difficult, trying to accept and adapt to a new life, and trying to savor the fleeting moments when she laughs and feels good. Her mother will always be there for her, without demanding, smothering, or creating expectations or pressure , but with the hope that, in the future, her daughter "will be able to share her experience and help other young people going through the same thing."
This testimony is possible thanks to the Catalan Association for the Prevention of Suicide (ACPS).
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