What to do if I feel lonely

In order to answer this question, it is important to explain the difference between two concepts: loneliness and social isolation .

Loneliness refers to a mismatch between the quantity and quality of social relationships a person has and those they would like to have. Therefore, it is a subjective perception. That is, we can find two people with a very similar number and quality of social relationships, and one of them may feel lonely because they would like more, while the other may not have this perception because they don't consider there to be any mismatch; they have the number and quality of social relationships they desire.

On the other hand, social isolation is an objective state; it doesn't depend on individual perception. It occurs when a person's network of family and friends is small, distant, or doesn't inspire enough trust to feel comfortable turning to in times of need.

A person can feel lonely even if they have many social relationships. The reason is that loneliness doesn't depend on the number of relationships you have, but rather on the comparison you make between the quantity and quality of the relationships you have and the ones you would like to have.

Perhaps the quality of your social relationships isn't what you'd like. Perhaps you'd prefer fewer relationships, but of higher quality. Perhaps they're relationships that, from your perspective, are too superficial and don't provide the trust and security you need.

It's important to reflect on what you expect from social relationships —whether with family, friends, or a partner—and analyze whether your current relationships provide what you want. From there, you can:

• Try to transform the ones you have
• Do some personal work on your expectations in relationships
• Seek new social relationships that can give you what you don't find in the ones you already have but value highly.

The perception of loneliness is often linked to life transitions , such as adolescence or young adulthood, or when there are significant life changes on different levels (work, housing, relationships, etc.). It doesn't have to be with you your whole life. Loneliness is a subjective perception resulting from comparing the quantity and quality of your social relationships with those you would like to have. Therefore, this perception will change throughout your life; the network of social relationships you establish and their quality will vary, and with it, your perception of loneliness.

It's true that there are risk factors and protective factors associated with loneliness. Therefore, it's important to be able to "protect" yourself. How? By seeking out safe spaces, or by establishing new relationships with different people with whom you can do activities, talk about problems, and seek help when needed. You can also participate in social activities you enjoy that allow you to meet people outside your usual circle, people with whom you might develop a bond of trust in the future.

First of all, feeling lonely is normal . Throughout life, we all experience loneliness at times; you're not alone. This feeling is often associated with life transitions and changes (adolescence, finishing school, leaving home, the end of romantic relationships, the loss of important people, etc.). Keep in mind that feeling lonely stems from a perceived imbalance between the quantity and quality of your social relationships and the ones you'd like to have.

At the same time, it's normal to feel embarrassed to admit we feel lonely because the messages we receive from those around us, from social media, from society, seem to indicate that no one feels this way. But this isn't true. For example, according to data from the Omnibus Survey (2020), 26.5% of young people in Barcelona between the ages of 16 and 24 often or sometimes feel lonely. Surely, if you talk to people you trust, you'll find that some of them also feel similar emotions to yours.

How and where can you ask for help? It depends on who you feel comfortable and trust enough to discuss this with. Perhaps you have family members or friends you can talk to. If not, or if you don't feel like talking to them, there are resources and projects that can help. You can look for mental health professionals or youth support services in your city (in Barcelona, for example, there's a resource called Aquí t'escoltem that can help).

You can also take steps to change this situation. Here are some ideas.

First, it's important to understand how your child perceives this situation . Loneliness is a subjective experience, meaning it's a personal perception. It refers to a mismatch between the quantity and quality of social relationships a person has and those they would like to have. Therefore, your child may not feel lonely because they believe that the quantity and quality of their current social relationships are precisely what they want.

Loneliness is a different concept from social isolation, which is objective and occurs when a person's network of family and friends is very small, very far away, or doesn't inspire confidence in them to turn to in times of need. If, when talking to your child, they are very clear about which people in their network they can turn to in case of need, and that they will find the necessary trust in them to resolve the situation together, they likely have a strong network (although perhaps not as large as that of some of their peers).

It is important to keep in mind that loneliness can be both a cause and a consequence of other situations . For example, a person who uses addictive substances may have started using them because they felt lonely, or they may end up feeling lonely as a result of their substance use, even experiencing social isolation. There are personal situations that increase a person's vulnerability and can lead to social isolation: eating disorders, addictions, other mental health disorders, disabilities, being a victim of violence, migration processes, etc. Your child is probably not experiencing any of these situations, but it is another factor to consider.

Therefore, it would be interesting to first understand their experience of this situation and whether they truly feel alone . If so, you can support them with different suggestions:

• Together, look for social activities that might interest you and allow you to meet new people outside your usual network.
• Participate in volunteer activities or in associations
• Find group activities with other young people of your age during the school holidays
• Develop strategies, with the help of professionals if necessary, to help you in this situation (emotional management, self-esteem, self-knowledge, healthy lifestyle habits).

Adolescence is a crucial time when friendships play a vital role. If someone has few or no friends and compares themselves to peers with larger social networks, they may feel lonely. Loneliness is the subjective feeling that arises when the quantity and quality of one's social relationships don't match what one would like. Therefore, it's important to understand how your daughter experiences this situation. Perhaps she doesn't perceive any imbalance because she has the quantity and quality of social relationships she desires and doesn't feel lonely or experience it negatively. This is a crucial first step in understanding the situation.

A second point to consider is that, generally, having friendships with peers during adolescence is positive. But perhaps your daughter hasn't found people with whom she shares interests and motivations, people she trusts. You can always suggest activities that allow her to meet new people outside her usual circle, people with whom she shares interests and motivations. Keep in mind that our social networks change over the years, which is why we can all feel lonely at certain stages of our lives, even with many friends.

It is important to be aware that loneliness can be both a cause and a consequence of other situations . For example, a person who is bullied at school may feel lonely because of this bullying; that is, the cause of the loneliness is not a lack of friends but the bullying itself. There are personal situations that increase a person's vulnerability and can even lead to social isolation: eating disorders, addictions, other mental health disorders, disabilities, being a victim of violence, and migration. Your daughter is probably not experiencing any of these situations, but it is another factor to consider. Because if another problem is behind this lack of friends, it is important to identify it as soon as possible.

The first step is to talk to her to understand the reasons for this change. They can be very varied, and sometimes we can't even imagine them. You should keep in mind that she doesn't necessarily feel lonely right now. Loneliness occurs when a person perceives that the quantity and quality of their social relationships doesn't match the quantity and quality they want. Perhaps she's gone through a process where she's decided to keep fewer friends because the others weren't giving her what she expected. Or perhaps she no longer has any connection (interests, motivations, etc.) with these people. Adolescence is a time of change, and sometimes the friends who were with us during childhood disappear in adolescence because you have nothing in common.

If your daughter's experience of this situation is negative and she feels alone, you can support her with different suggestions :

• Together, look for social activities that might interest you and allow you to meet new people outside your usual network.
• Participate in volunteer activities or in associations.
• Find group activities with other young people your age during school holidays.
• Develop strategies, with the help of professionals if necessary, to help you in this situation (emotional management, self-esteem, self-knowledge, healthy lifestyle habits).

But on the other hand, it's also important to make sure that this situation isn't the result of something else . Sometimes loneliness stems from a different problem. There are personal situations that increase a person's vulnerability and can even lead to social isolation: eating disorders, addictions, other mental health disorders, disabilities, being a victim of violence, and migration. If another problem is behind this reduction in the number of friends, it's important to identify it as soon as possible and take action.

Loneliness is a subjective perception that arises from a mismatch between the quantity and quality of social relationships a person has and those they would like to have. Therefore, it is important to first engage in personal reflection. To do this:

• Analyze your social relationships according to the parameters of quantity and quality (according to your expectations), including family, friendships, work relationships, relationships with classmates and colleagues, romantic relationships, etc. Identify what you value in social relationships because this will clarify what type of social relationship you consider to be of quality.
• Identify significant, trustworthy people you can contact in critical moments to talk, share, and find solutions together.
• Reflect on the activities you do in your daily life, whether you do them alone or with others. Consider whether you find them satisfying and sufficient.
• Take some time to list your interests and motivations : life, professional, leisure time activities.
• Consider what your relationship with social media is and whether it plays a positive or negative role in your perception of loneliness.

At this point, you'll be more aware of your social network and how you spend your time. And, most importantly, whether you're satisfied or not, and why.

From here you can:

• Look for group and social activities that align with your interests. You'll likely meet people with similar interests.
• Reflect on whether you need to make changes to your daily routines and activities to dedicate more time to social relationships that you consider to be of quality.
• Finding safe spaces where you feel part of a project, feel heard, recognized and valued
• Sign up for training activities that allow you to develop strategies that will help you in this situation: emotional management, self-esteem, self-knowledge, healthy lifestyle habits.
• Establish strategies that will help you achieve your life and professional goals .

Loneliness can sometimes be the result of personal situations like the one you're describing, which can be resolved. But to do so, it's important to ask for or seek help . For example, you could enroll in courses on emotional management or self-esteem, or seek advice from psychology professionals who can help you overcome your fears and improve your self-esteem .

Another option you can consider is analyzing your interests and motivations and then looking for social activities related to them. For example, if you enjoy painting, you could sign up for a painting course that lasts for a while. There you'll find people who share your interests, and you can gradually start talking to each other without pressure. Since it's an activity that motivates you and is within your comfort zone, it will be easy to find topics of discussion and begin building social connections.

Like everything in life, it depends. Technology has many positive aspects and can be a good ally in situations of loneliness. For example, it can bring us closer to important people who live far away, and it can put us in contact with people with whom we share interests and motivations, but with whom we don't meet in person.

But at the same time, it can play a less positive role, as it can further isolate us. The social relationships we have through social media , for example, can sometimes be very superficial. Furthermore, we might compare ourselves to others who constantly post pictures on their profiles of themselves with other people and making countless plans, and this can make us feel even more alone.

Feeling lonely is a subjective perception for each individual. We feel lonely when we perceive a mismatch between the quantity and quality of our social relationships and those we would like to have. The quality of social relationships can be diminished, in some cases, by how we communicate through new technologies. Conversely, the number of social relationships we can establish multiplies thanks to them.

It's important that the social relationships we establish, both online and offline, are of high quality . If they are, even if sometimes mediated by new technologies, we're sure not to feel alone.

We must also ensure that social isolation does not arise due to technology use. This situation is different from loneliness and occurs when a person's social network is very small, too far away, or lacks the confidence to turn to it when needed. Maintaining face-to-face relationships, and not just those in the virtual world, remains essential.

There are different ways to help a young person who feels lonely. The first step is to recognize this situation and make sure that the person truly feels lonely . Loneliness is subjective; we might perceive this person as lonely because they have few friends, but they may not experience it that way, and they may have exactly the number and quality of relationships they desire.

Secondly, if she feels lonely, we must validate her feelings . It's valid and normal to feel lonely. Everyone is likely to feel lonely at some point in their lives, especially during life transitions like adolescence and young adulthood. Therefore, it's important to validate and acknowledge that she's not alone and that it's something that happens.

If you trust this person, you can accompany her , if she wants, with some suggestions :

• Together, look for social activities that might interest you and allow you to meet new people outside your usual network.
• Participate in volunteer activities or in associations.
• Find group activities with other young people your age during school holidays.
• Develop strategies, with the help of professionals if necessary, to support them in this situation (emotional management, self-esteem, self-awareness, healthy lifestyle habits). If you believe professional help is important, seek out resources, services, projects, and professionals who can support them.

If you are a professional working with young people, you may find the Guide for the Prevention, Detection, and Support of Adolescents and Young People in Situations of Solitude , developed by the LIBERI research team at the University of Girona for the Barcelona City Council, a useful resource. It details strategies and guidelines for identifying and supporting these cases within a professional setting.

We must keep in mind that loneliness can be both a cause and a consequence of other situations. For example, feeling lonely can lead to depression , and conversely, depression can lead to feelings of loneliness. However, feeling lonely does not necessarily mean having depression. Therefore, we must carefully analyze the possible causes and consequences.

For this reason, it's important that when we feel unwell, both physically and emotionally , we consult healthcare professionals. They can help us discover whether the symptoms we're experiencing are related to loneliness, for example, or if the causes lie elsewhere.

It's normal to feel lonely when moving . It's a time of life transition, and many of the social connections you had before aren't as close as they used to be. Loneliness is the subjective perception that there's a mismatch between the quantity and quality of your social relationships and the ones you'd like to have.

Loneliness can be both a cause and a consequence of other situations. For example, a person suffering from depression may feel lonely as a result of this situation, and vice versa: loneliness can lead to depression. But feeling lonely doesn't necessarily mean developing depression. Other factors can play a role. Furthermore, the perception of loneliness, like depression, doesn't appear suddenly, overnight, but is a gradual process. Therefore, it's important to act as soon as you notice you're feeling lonely so that the situation doesn't worsen.

Here are some ideas of actions you can take to combat loneliness.

First, we must validate their perception, not dismiss it . Loneliness is a subjective experience; everyone perceives it differently. Some people with many social connections feel lonely, while others with fewer social connections don't. Therefore, if this person feels lonely, it's because they feel that way, and it's valid.

It's also important to convey the idea that feeling lonely is more common than we think. In our society, few people dare to verbalize that they feel lonely, and the images and messages we constantly receive reinforce the idea that it's normal to be around many people, make lots of plans… But the truth is that we can all feel lonely at certain stages and moments in our lives because we feel a mismatch between the quantity and quality of social relationships we would like to have and the ones we actually have. During times of life transition, we often feel the most alone (adolescence, young adulthood, changing jobs or residences, finishing our studies, losing important people, illnesses…) and this is perfectly normal.

From here, we can propose that we work together to find solutions . You have been brave enough to confide your feelings and emotions in us; if you wish, we can try to brainstorm solutions.

We give you some ideas about what kind of solutions can be activated.

There are various actions that educators and professionals working with adolescents and young people can take to both detect and support those experiencing loneliness. In the Guide for the Prevention, Detection, and Support of Adolescents and Young People in Situations of Loneliness, which we developed for the Barcelona City Council through the LIBERI research team at the University of Girona, we detail some of these suggestions.

First, we must understand that loneliness is linked to a person's social relationships and is a subjective perception . Furthermore, there are risk factors and protective factors that we should be aware of in order to identify situations of loneliness and propose solutions.

In the guide I mentioned earlier, the guidelines, both for detection and support, are divided into 4 areas that we must analyze when we want to detect a situation of loneliness.

The first is the sphere of the young person , which includes their life plans, health, personality, routines, and time management, among other things. The second is the sphere of their social network , which relates to the space they live in and the relationships they establish with those they live with. The third is the sphere of their network of everyday, close relationships, that is, friendships, relationships in the academic and work spheres, social media use, leisure activities, and so on. Finally, the fourth sphere is the community dimension , which is very broad and encompasses public space, mobility, relationships with neighbors, youth professionals they interact with, and so forth.

In total, the guide contains 25 guidelines for identifying situations of loneliness , each of which is broken down into different action suggestions. Below are some of them:

• To build a relational map of adolescents or young people who we believe are suffering from loneliness or social isolation.
• Pay attention to those young people or adolescents who accumulate risk factors for loneliness or who suffer from specific situations that can isolate them socially (addictions, victims of violence, experiencing migration processes, mental health disorders, etc.).
• To understand the family and/or living situation of those people we believe are suffering from loneliness or social isolation.
• To create spaces of trust where adolescents and young people can feel included and where they can be heard, recognized, and valued.
• Analyze, when necessary, the relationship of adolescents and young people with social networks and new technologies.
• Activate a joint strategy from professionals and youth organizations in the territory to fight loneliness (networking, referrals…).