How to improve your relationship with screens at home

In general, the recommended time by age are:

• 0-3 years: 0 screens
• 4-6 years: less than 30 minutes a day
• 7-12 years: less than 1 hour per day
• From age 12 onwards there is no clear time limit

More important than the screen time limit is ensuring that the person has a balance in their activities and that screen use does not limit the time they have to do other important activities such as studying, being with friends and family, playing sports, etc.

Let's take this step by step. It seems you've decided on the screen time, but not reached a consensus, as he's not happy with it. By consensus, we mean when all parties agree. On the other hand, reaching a consensus on screen time can be complicated because there are other things to consider, such as the child's age and how they're using the screen. For example, it's not the same for a 16-year-old to do homework, play games, and socialize with friends in those 3 hours as it is for an 8-year-old to spend 3 hours a day playing video games. Therefore, it's very important to analyze the child's developmental stage, their needs, and the family situation to determine the appropriate screen time and reach a consensus if necessary.

On the other hand, anger in the face of a situation that a child doesn't agree with or understand is a legitimate emotion; it's normal for them to be angry if they disagree. However, even when angry, there are behaviors that need to be redirected. In the face of a critical situation, a moment of anger, if we forcibly remove the child, it's likely that the distress will escalate for both the child and their family. Therefore, it usually works better, as adults, to review the situation, the guidelines we've provided, and make adjustments for future situations.

For example, if they don't want to stop after the agreed-upon time, we let them know. If they don't stop and it gets late for dinner, bed, or whatever, we can ask ourselves: Did we set an alarm for the end of the activity? Did we stay with them and let them know during the last few moments? Does this happen in all situations or only on certain days? Is it necessary or advisable for them to be online for 3 hours a day? What activity do they have to do when the time is up? These kinds of reflections on the problematic situation can help us better plan our routines, supporting our son or daughter through the discomfort they may experience when they stop doing a rewarding activity to start one that is likely less enjoyable. Furthermore, if those of us who are with the child are aware that this emotion is normal, it helps us avoid becoming frustrated or angry about their frustration, preventing the conflict from escalating at home and improving the family atmosphere.

The truth is, there's no foolproof way to "control" them and prevent them from doing what we don't want them to do, especially when we're not around. But this isn't just a problem with screens, is it? I mean, there are some parental control apps and devices to reduce this risk, but they're not infallible. A good approach is to act as we have in the past (for example, when they first start going out alone): we need to make sure they understand the risks, that they have the tools to manage them, and once that's done, we can start with trial and error. If the trial goes well, we give them a little more autonomy; if not, we take a step back and review what didn't work, without blaming them for the mistake.

Specifically, it is often helpful to reduce the risk of doing other activities while doing homework (leaving the mobile phone somewhere else, not having the television on, etc.), set a time to do homework and then leave time to use screens for leisure, supervise or accompany these moments and talk with our sons and daughters so that together we can see what works and what doesn't.

One of the characteristics of adolescence is what is known as adolescent optimism, meaning that they are optimistic about the stage of life they are in, that typical phrase, "that won't happen to me." Furthermore, a sense of immortality is a sign of healthy development, and this combination (optimism and immortality) leads them to take risks they might not have taken at other stages of life, even knowing the potential negative consequences. In addition, adolescence is also characterized by a difficulty in thinking long-term. Therefore, making teenagers understand the potential consequences of screen time is a complex task.

So, one of the best ways to help teenagers understand the consequences of excessive screen time is to give examples; we can surely think of something that has happened to us. But it often happens that knowing the risks doesn't mean we make changes to healthier behavior. That's why, regardless of age, it remains important to set limits and rules regarding screen use for the whole family.

Both the World Health Organization and the American Academy of Pediatrics do not recommend screen use before the age of two. The Catalan government's guidelines set this minimum at three years old. This is because screen use in young children offers no developmental benefits; on the contrary, we already know it can cause limitations in various areas such as language, psychomotor development, and social interaction.

From the age of 3, screen time can be introduced, carefully selecting the content according to age and accompanying (not just supervising) its use for no more than half an hour per day, paying special attention to ensuring that screen time does not negatively impact other important activities in a person's life, such as daily habits, play, rest, movement, etc.

At age six, screen time should be limited to no more than 30 minutes, and always with adult supervision. If you decide to allow screen time, considering that they engage in varied activities the rest of the time, a limited schedule should be established. Remember that when children start using screens at home, free play may decrease significantly, leading to boredom and disinterest in other activities. This can be improved by setting a limited schedule, linked to other activities (avoiding the daily routine of screen time), and encouraging a variety of play activities at home with adult supervision.

It's important to consider the child's age, what they do with their phone, and why they're neglecting their studies. Do they dislike studying? Are they not studying as much as we'd like? Has their academic performance declined? Without knowing these details, the answer becomes more complicated.

In principle, a mobile phone is not an acquired right; it's a tool that families allow their children to have. If the mobile phone is hindering their ability to fulfill obligations, we should review its terms of service.

Exactly, not every day is the same; sometimes it's harder, and it's not about "getting rid of it." If difficult days become frequent, we'll have to review the role technology plays in this and change the terms of use.

It's important for adults to understand that the goal isn't to get them to obey us instantly and do what we want. When we think like that, we get frustrated because they don't, and the solutions we find are often related to punishment, which complicates the relationship in many cases and doesn't help them truly understand the importance of what we're asking of them.

Once the routine of playing or using screens without prior conditions is established, it is difficult to make the change, and we often end up "threatening" with punishment, as you rightly say.

An alternative could be to change that routine, explaining that once they start, it's harder to stop and homework is a chore, so we're going to help them by having the console ourselves (while limiting access) and accompanying them while they do their homework. During the week, we could even change the routine so there's no console available.

This contradiction is common in the conflict of interest between parental supervision and respecting children's privacy. Regarding the specific issue of online conversations, which is the focus of this question, I believe each family should consider whether they are interfering in their children's most intimate space. We don't control the conversations our children have in other settings, so why do we focus on the screen? Clearly, there may be risks that are less prevalent outside of the home, but I think it's also important to consider this question further. Effective management can involve working on developing self-control in teenagers, thereby preventing these conflicts.

I understand the question is about what they should or shouldn't share with third parties, not with family. Regarding third parties, perhaps we should be able to explain—and this is the fundamental role of families in education—that no personal information should be shared (where we live, where we study, etc.). But it's also important that we teach them to respect the privacy of third parties who may share information, images, or videos with them.

When faced with this question, it's essential to distinguish between leisure and obligation when it comes to screen time. The big problem is whether, after the workday ends, we continue to use screens intensively, or if every time we use them—even if it's not always true—we say it's for work. Similarly, our son or daughter will sometimes use the computer to search for information or work with a word processor or on an educational platform, and other times they'll want to use the screen to chat, play games, or watch videos.

Recurring thoughts about video games or technology are common in addiction, especially when access to them is limited. Withdrawal symptoms are also frequent and could fit with what you're describing. But gaming disorder has these characteristics:

• Focus : frequent preoccupation, obsessive thoughts, or an intense desire to perform the activity, which eventually becomes the priority in the person's life. Interest in any other school, work, leisure, or social activity is lost.
• Mood modification : the activity is carried out in order to escape from emotional discomfort or improve mood.
• Tolerance : progressive increase in the time spent performing the activity to obtain the initial gratification.
• Withdrawal symptoms: unpleasant feelings or sensations when the activity cannot be performed (irritability, anxiety, agitation...).
• Conflict : The excessive time spent on the rewarding activity causes internal conflicts (unsuccessful attempts at control, emotional discomfort with the situation), or conflicts with others (family arguments, isolation from friends, decreased school performance...).
• Relapse: tendency to repeat repetitive patterns of addictive behavior after a period of abstinence or control.

Generally, the establishment of addiction is a more or less gradual process that goes from the first sporadic contacts, where the person experiences pleasurable aspects that promote its repetition (called positive reinforcer) to the need to perform the behavior again and again in order to relieve the discomfort (called negative reinforcer).

It is also important to consider the developmental stage in the assessment. Naturally, changes occur in peer relationships, family relationships, and even daily routines such as sleep habits. In the initial stages of any pathological process in adolescents, it can be difficult to differentiate between normal adolescent behavior and that caused by an emerging addiction.

Therefore, the warning signs in this case are small changes that the adolescent gradually incorporates subtly but continuously, and which, at a certain point, go from being unusual and justifiable to both the adolescent and those around them, to no longer being so. These are all the indicators that can be seen in some of the following areas, and they must appear repeatedly and consistently over time:

• Disrupted sleep patterns , secondary to changes in sleep habits and reduced sleep hours due to addictive behavior. For example, staying online at night, going to bed late, and having great difficulty getting up in the morning.
• Altered appetite pattern , eats quickly and poorly to save time, may even skip meals.
• Less attention to hygiene, requiring reminders of basic hygiene routines that he used to follow (brushing his teeth, showering, changing his clothes).
• Neglect of important aspects of their life, motivated by the increased time spent on addictive behavior or preparing for it. Loss of track of time.
• Change in leisure style , change of interests, change of environment.
• Loss of friendships or interest in seeing them in person. They only have friends online.
• When unable to perform the addictive behavior, he shows irritability or appears languid doing nothing; he is able to lie in bed for hours.
• Fluctuating mood , tendency towards sadness, appears uncommunicative, withdrawn into his own world, and is bothered when asked about his daily life.
• Altered academic performance, school absenteeism, increased reports of uncooperative or disapproving attitude, increased failures and expulsions from class.
• Demand for products or applications that have an economic cost can lead to thefts, generally of small amounts of money, and especially from the closest family.
• High concentration or excitement due to the addictive activity, not responding to external stimuli (for example, not responding when called, raising voice or using foul language when interacting with the screen, etc.)

Irritability is common in children when they're feeling unwell. What you mentioned is also frequent; we might realize something isn't right for us and still continue doing it. We might even dislike our own behavior and still not change it. When we're young, the areas of the brain responsible for self-control aren't fully developed, making all of this more challenging. That's why they need more boundaries and support, both in managing their behavior and the emotions that accompany it.

It would be important for you to see a specialist; you could start by consulting your primary care team. To help you get there, we could explore what aspects of your current situation are causing you distress: Are you feeling lonely, uncomfortable interacting with people in person, feeling like you're wasting time and opportunities, sad or anxious, not sleeping well, or feeling tired? If we can understand what's bothering you and help you see that things can improve, you'll be more receptive to asking for help.

When addiction is suspected, it's always necessary to consult a specialist, starting with your pediatrician or primary care physician. There are no general guidelines that work for everyone; treatment is essential.