Can I understand a bullying situation and learn from it if I am the bully?

I've been asked to write to you as a young person who has experienced bullying. Furthermore, I've been challenged to put myself in your shoes and mind, if it turns out you're the one who has bullied. It's not an easy subject for me, because I'm used to seeing and hearing from those who have silently suffered the consequences of your behavior.

I'm facing a rather difficult situation, as what you've done has caused a great deal of harm to someone or some people. We can always soften the blow. What I'd like is for you to focus on the ideas that apply to your specific case. Undoubtedly, what you've done wasn't just an individual act, and other people were involved. But let me speak directly to you, and let this also be helpful for those you know.

Lucía del Alba Benito Fernández

Author

Let's keep talking, even if it's just by writing.

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You'll likely hear people trying to categorize you, saying things about your psychological difficulties and social (maladjustment). Depending on what you hear, they'll link you to personality profiles that are selfish, impulsive, aggressive, have low self-esteem, struggle with emotional management, and even be at higher risk for crime, drug use, and all sorts of other conflicts. You'll hear news about sexism and gang violence. They'll talk about problems fitting in with your family, at school, or simply in the world.

In fact, manuals of psychiatry and juvenile psychology, when describing bullies, speak of young people who have difficulty respecting rules and others, self-regulating, tolerating frustration, and forming positive relationships, while also exhibiting a high degree of selfishness and a low capacity for empathy.

Therefore, even if you find it exaggerated and disproportionate, I hope there is someone, professional or not, who can help you think about different issues, without getting tired of talking about the reasons that led you to do this, whether it's due to your personality, the family you were born into, or your childhood. On the one hand, by identifying the reasons that might explain some of your behaviors . Perhaps behind some of them there is also unease within yourself that can explain them. On the other hand, by paying attention to the way others look at you, the way they consider and treat others , and even what they need, because they have the same right to happiness as anyone else. Finally, by taking a stand to put out the fires of those people who will label you as bad company.

It might suggest activities, exercises, ideas, etc., to help you understand and explore your inner world, your relationships with others, discover what makes you feel good, identify emotions, understand your needs, and recognize the underlying issues that influence your behavior. Or it might not.

Above all, all this work should basically serve to make you ask yourself many questions, knowing that not all answers are valid :

1. To check your emotional awareness : How am I? How do others see me? How do I see myself in relation to others?
2. To learn to self-regulate : how to prevent my wires from getting crossed?
3. To empathize : you have to think about what the other person is thinking.
4. To think about the question: "Am I functioning poorly because I'm not well, or am I ill because I'm not functioning well?"
5. To develop the ability to perform relational and comparative thinking: What if...? What if this happened to me?
6. Because I have the ability to connect positively : there are people willing to help me; I can also help them.
7. Through learning in problem-solving : how can I act if I've really messed things up?
8. So that it can accompany you within your own context, of which you are a product. Especially because you might end up hearing such recurring themes as failure, unease, the impact of the crisis, the weight of the pandemic, social media, the internet in general, family problems, lack of motivation and effort, drug use, etc. A society in which young people haven't been taught to talk, where you live convinced that you already have enough on your plate with your own lives and those of your friends.
9. Let us not justify the unjustifiable in a tremendously unjust world.
10. Behind many high-voltage conflicts – as I write this, there are those who believe they can invade a country and start a war – there are people who either haven't been able to, haven't been allowed to, or simply don't understand any of these aspects.

In short, through this support, you should eventually find a balance between what happened and how it was resolved :

• By asking myself: what have I learned, what has it been useful for, and how do I take away experience from this situation?
• Recognizing myself a little more as I am, and how I would like, or not, to be different.
• It is clear that all people have the right to exist and to live. No one is below or above anyone else. Period.
• Finding balance—with possible mistakes—among the reasons for all these discomforts, tolerating denials, anger, resignation, and frustrations. And especially: how can I avoid projecting them onto other people?
• Accepting that certain behaviors have consequences. Taking responsibility for them is part of your responsibility.

If all this makes you think, it's because the person suggesting it has earned your trust. You might even end up receiving positive feedback from some psychiatrists, educators, psychologists, and so on. But the main goal is for you not to feel constantly guilty in front of everyone who demands punishment and consequences for what you've done, and to learn to respect and see others in a positive light . Ultimately: everyone is worthwhile. If that's the case, you—you all—will have done a good part of the work.