How can I reconnect with my teenage son?

Adolescence is a crucial and essential stage of human life. It is the period in which all the physical and brain changes that prepare us for the transition from childhood to adulthood take place. At the brain level, the adolescent brain undergoes a period of heightened activity and development: new connections are formed, and those that are most functional and efficient are selected and consolidated to prepare us for adulthood.

These brain changes occur mainly in three crucial areas that are more or less activated during adolescence to adapt to their maturation and preparation for adult life.

• The prefrontal cortex manages executive functions such as organization and planning, anticipating consequences, and therefore prepares us for reflective and critical thinking to make sound decisions that help us achieve our goals. In adolescents, this cortex is still relatively unactivated , which may explain less reflective and more impulsive behaviors and sometimes poor decision-making. All of this is necessary for adolescents to be exposed to new challenges , to learn to cope with new situations and learn from them, developing their own autonomy.
• The limbic system, where emotions are processed, is especially activated in adolescents, who exhibit greater emotional hyperreactivity—this emotional "rollercoaster" that can be so unsettling for adults. It's also a preparation for adulthood and facing new threats and challenges without the protection of their parents. This means their alert and alarm system is more sensitive. To ensure their safety, they need to keep these emotions close to the surface. As adults, we can observe this when they become indignant or snap at the slightest provocation, when they feel threatened, criticized, or attacked… Let's remain calm; they are developing these safety responses to protect themselves. This situation, combined with their reduced capacity for executive functions and reflection, makes for quite a cocktail!
• The reward system, which is also more activated during adolescence, involves the need to seek intense, gratifying sensations. However, unlike in childhood, the greatest rewards come from the social environment. Feeling valued by peers is the greatest gratification, as we are social beings and relationships with others, support, and cooperation are crucial for our survival. Many studies have shown that isolation, loneliness, or feelings of marginalization or rejection generate extremely high levels of stress, which at this stage can have significant negative effects on development. This stress, due to a lack of much-needed social reward stimulation, creates an even more alarming and threatening emotional state for the limbic system, which becomes hyperactive in its alert mode, generating more intense and negative emotional reactions that the prefrontal cortex is unable to regulate and reflect upon.

From this understanding, when faced with a hostile teenager, full of resentment, anger, and hostile and even aggressive behaviors, we should see a teenager suffering, with a lot of emotional distress, a feeling of lack of support, and loneliness.

Adolescence presents a significant adaptive challenge . It's an opportunity for our sons and daughters to begin developing themselves, to become aware of who they are, how others see or perceive them, what they like and find satisfying about the world around them, and what they don't. It's a stage in which they will begin to form their own opinions, which may change and be modified based on experiences of success and failure.

This can be a period of stress and crisis , not only for the children themselves but also for their parents. For many families, it can also be a time of confusion, tension, or frustration, when strategies that once worked no longer do, or when there is greater anxiety about not having as much control over their children.

Accompanying the changes of adolescence

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Neuroscience has shown us that adolescence is a very sensitive window to change, and therefore remains a great opportunity for learning.

That is why it is key to continue offering a safe, structured, trusting and unconditional family environment to a teenager who is getting to know himself better, practicing his socio-emotional skills and facing the world more autonomously, with moments of discomfort that are necessary to go through and from which he can emerge stronger.

Parents must find a balance between allowing their teenagers to exercise autonomy and maintaining a framework of supervision and setting safe boundaries. It's about regulating and finding that necessary safe distance so that teenagers can develop self-management skills for life.

In this whole context of changes and challenges, teenagers need above all two things: emotional support and encouragement.

Emotional support, trust, and unconditional love are always key to a healthy relationship with our children. A healthy relationship with our teenagers is one that offers a framework for development in which they are accompanied, guided, and supported through emotional connection and unconditional love . The teenager feels seen, recognized, and important, and in turn, their abilities and skills are trusted, they are made to feel useful, and they are encouraged to face manageable challenges.

This includes setting limits as a form of mutual respect: towards the adolescent, who must be given limits as a form of protection against situations and challenges in which self-management skills have not yet been developed and external supervision is required, and towards the parents themselves, who must also set their own limits and respect themselves, managing their own availability, physical time, need for self-care and tolerance.

For me, the key is empathy, valuing their things and expressing positive emotions (Mother of a teenager).

The truth is that everyone has a different way of relating, but I think the essential thing is to respect our spaces, be understanding and be able to listen to each other or help each other if we need it or ask for it (Teenage daughter).

As adults, if we stop to think about what we consider a good conversation, we might agree that it is one in which one feels that, when it ends, one comes away from it a little "changed," there has been some special click, transformative to some extent, due to an emotional connection, an interesting, different point of view that has contributed to us... in short, we could say or encompass all this in that there has been, in some way, a learning experience.

Talking with our teenage son is a great opportunity for learning and mutual understanding.

It's crucial to remember that we're dealing with a developing adult, an adolescent, with the evolutionary challenges of building their own identity, judgment, and decision-making capacity, experiencing both satisfaction and frustration. As parents, we must adopt this role of guide and support in this development of skills with empathy, genuinely seeking to connect with the emotions they express. We must strive to understand their perspectives and the criteria they use to base their opinions and behaviors, within a framework of respect that allows for disagreements and differences of opinion without imposing our views, judging, or belittling them.

Characteristics of family communication in adolescence

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I believe that all these elements can be summarized in one basic ingredient: (genuine) curiosity , showing real interest in what they explain to us with an intention to put ourselves in their place and be able to understand their emotions, thoughts, decisions or reactions, without judging or giving opinions or solutions from the outset.

But often, having certain conversations with our children can be a real challenge for parents! When children express opinions or explain behaviors or decisions they consider inappropriate, wrong, or risky, parents risk losing their sense of curiosity. From the perspective of adults or parents who feel responsible for protecting their children, fear and the need to shield them from frustration and risk are common. This is a perfectly normal reaction!

This reaction can lead us to be critical, less empathetic, start offering solutions, or lecture and pressure them to correct their behavior. We go into alert mode and react from this fear, and that's when we interrupt or make comments like, "What are you talking about?", "The problem is you don't know that...", or "If you keep doing this, you'll end up...". I insist: always with the intention of protecting them!

This is where we run the risk of missing the learning opportunity.

Adolescents need to learn, and to do so, they need:

• To feel heard , with empathy, and to have their way of thinking valued (even if it's wrong!)
• By preserving the connection , a conversation can be established in which viewpoints are shared and the opportunity is opened to contribute, as parents, other visions, points of view, alternative behaviors, and suggestions for other ways of acting in future situations.
• Stimulating critical thinking through acceptance and tolerance, rather than through criticism and questioning, is essential for a brain that needs emotional calm to stimulate its capacity for reflection and learning.

In short, a good conversation with our teenage son or daughter would be one in which differences of opinion are allowed, where there is room to share different ideas, respect criteria and be able to raise differences, suggest other ways or points of view, motivating them to try them out and evaluate for themselves how they work.

I would summarize it with four concepts:

• Always leave the door open for dialogue.
• Create opportunities for connection.
• Always try to have an open attitude.
• Empathize with him in order to understand him.

(Mother of a teenager)

It's also important not to be constantly giving us orders. Avoid rambling on and listen to us without judging or rejecting our opinions (Teenage daughter).

This fear of worrying their parents is common in teenagers who might be colloquially called more introverted or "sorrowful," either because they worry more about others than themselves, prioritize pleasing others over their own needs, or are very self-demanding and expect themselves to solve their problems alone. Some judge themselves too harshly and believe they "shouldn't be so upset about a situation," negatively judging themselves as exaggerating or weak, and ultimately, because of all this, they find it difficult to ask for help.

They surely need to feel that we understand that sometimes sharing their worries can make them feel bad, guilty, or like they're "playing the victim." We can even thank them for their consideration, but also convey a sense of security and the ability to help and support them. Sometimes parents need to remind and explicitly explain to children like this that our job as parents is precisely to care! It's crucial to neutralize this guilt and reassure them : "I'm here, you're safe, and I can work through this with you whenever you're ready."

When the opportunity arises, it's good to reflect with them on this difficulty in respecting themselves. Asking for help allows them to not always have to solve things alone; it's a healthy coping skill that helps reduce this pressure and focus on the need for self-care.

As parents, we can experience many feelings when faced with these difficulties: fear, frustration, guilt, helplessness, even anger at feeling that they don't trust us! We need to be able to manage all these emotions, but how?

1. It's important that we respect their privacy , but remain calm and available when they do take the initiative to share. When this happens, the world stops because we have a great opportunity: to show them that we are a safe, calm, and respectful space, and, let's always remember, a place where we are curious to understand and empathize with them. If this happens when they decide to share, we will have set an example that can encourage them to continue sharing with us.
2. As parents worried that our child might be suffering, we must manage our own anxiety and avoid pressuring or insisting. For example, avoid asking questions repeatedly; pointing out that they look unwell; reiterating your concern, etc. Ultimately, we risk conveying that we are unable to control our own distress, thus reinforcing their fear. We must understand and trust that they will gradually learn to manage their emotions.
3. It's also important to establish some boundaries with them . While respecting their limits and privacy, we must protect and maintain a minimum level of safety. This means making it clear and establishing with them (in a calm conversation, not during moments of crisis or distress) that if we observe alarming behaviors or signs of difficulty coping with distress in a healthy and appropriate way, our duty as parents is to seek help or increase our supervision as protective measures, not as a form of control or punishment.

Initially, it's not easy; they don't always feel like talking to us, but if we show availability and interest, it becomes easier (Mother of a teenager).

Show them you're there for them, but respect their timing and don't pressure them. In the end, they'll only explain if they choose to (Teenage daughter).

As parents, our protective instinct and how we are and how we manage uncertainty (and lack of control…) will make it easier or harder for us to manage the experience of distancing from our teenage son or daughter.

It will help us to remind ourselves that our teenage sons and daughters are in a stage of change and need to develop into independent adults with the skills for adult life, independent of our protection. We ourselves are the adults we are today because we were teenagers once too! That doesn't mean we stop accompanying them, but rather taking a few steps back, so they can walk on their own, stumble, get up, and learn from their experiences, including their mistakes!

If we've established secure bonds, we have to trust that when they need us, they'll have us. Maintaining that connection doesn't mean being aware of absolutely everything that happens to them all the time.

The fact that they need to distance themselves and have their own space and privacy during this adolescent process doesn't mean we cease to be necessary to them. While managing this new distance can be challenging, it's crucial to avoid reproaches or demands that might make them feel questioned, misunderstood, or unrecognized in their needs, and that we risk disconnecting from them. Maintaining an emotional connection, a secure bond of trust and unconditional support, remains essential, and we must not jeopardize it. The goal is that when they need our help, feel unwell, or something happens to them, they know and are certain they can turn to us with the confidence that we will offer them a safe and supportive environment.

You can't control everything. You have to respect their privacy and intimacy and, at the same time, protect them (Mother of teenager).

I don't think it's right to want to know everything. Ultimately, it's perfectly understandable to want to have some basic knowledge about what your teenager is doing and how they're feeling emotionally, but it's important to respect their privacy. One way to do this is to offer them spaces where they feel comfortable talking. If parents believe it's something very important, they should follow up or make sure the teenager talks to someone, perhaps a professional (Teenage Daughter).

Teenagers need:

• To feel heard , with empathy, and to have their way of thinking valued, even if it differs from that of their parents.
• Preserve the connection . A conversation can be maintained in which viewpoints are shared and the opportunity is given to contribute other points of view, other behaviors, and suggestions for other ways of acting in future situations.
• Encourage critical thinking through acceptance and tolerance, not criticism. Maintaining emotional calm is important so that adolescents can develop their capacity for reflection and, consequently, their learning.

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We must avoid turning the conversation into one question after another. Take advantage of the moment when our child feels they want to share something with us. Listen actively without judgment, let them express themselves and give their opinion (Mother of a teenager).

Well, I suppose it's about not asking questions all the time, and that we can ask questions too. For me, it's about feeling that it's a space of trust and complicity, and from there, we open up more or less. It's also about respecting if we don't feel comfortable with the conversation (Teenage Daughter).

Managing the distance our children need and respecting their privacy remains a challenge. Depending on each parent's personality, this situation can generate fear of losing trust with them and having fewer opportunities to share and connect.

We need to make an effort to manage and self-regulate our own emotions of fear, sadness, anger, or mistrust , which are natural as parents, but which can play tricks on us if they overwhelm us and we react with reproaches, insisting or invading their space, losing opportunities for connection.

In this sense, quality is preferable to quantity: take advantage of the times when they do explain things to us and are willing to share, to strengthen the connection and maintain curiosity in order to have good conversations.

It always helps to remember that your teenage brain intensely seeks reward and social gratification. As you prepare and mature to become a social being, you need to develop effective social skills.

It's highly recommended to avoid making judgments or expressing prejudices about their friends , as this can trigger an alarm or even an attack. If we don't like their company or they're reluctant to explain who they are, it's best to ask questions calmly and with genuine curiosity. Show real interest not so much in knowing what their friends are like (which is closer to interrogation), but in truly understanding what they like about them, how they make them feel, what they bring to their lives, and what criteria they use to choose friends. If we offer them space and show interest, they'll feel more connected. It's from this connection that they can express any doubts, insecurities, or concerns they may have.

In my case, my daughter is creating her identity, building herself as an individual and as part of a group. Right now, her friends are very important in her life (Mother of a teenager).

I think that, in the end, this is normal because our friends are people with similar interests and of the same age. I also think it's healthy, and that there's nothing you have to do. That is, you can't make your son or daughter explain something they don't want to. You also have to understand that it's difficult to talk about it with your parents; perhaps that's the hard part, but well, little by little. The fact that they don't tell you everything doesn't mean they don't trust you because I'm sure that deep down you are one of the most important things in their life (Teenage daughter).

The most important thing is to stay calm . It's natural to feel bad, hurt, and lose the ability to reflect in these situations. Let's breathe, connect with ourselves first, respect how we feel, and if necessary, step away from the situation to connect with what we're feeling and avoid acting if we're still very angry or upset. We can say to ourselves, "Look, I'd prefer to give myself some time, and when I feel I can continue this conversation, I'll let you know."

Giving ourselves a positive break to regain our composure is the best way to preserve the connection with our teenage son or daughter. If we act in our alert and attack mode, we'll be two minds unable to reflect, and we risk escalating the situation, making us feel worse and causing us to disconnect. Even worse, we are the adults and must set an example . Learning is primarily through imitation; they will learn far more from what they see us do than from anything we tell them to do. Therefore, we can seize this opportunity to model effective conflict management.

If we are calm, we will be able to validate and recognize that behind this behavior there is a discomfort, which we may or may not have activated ourselves.

This is when we can restart the conversation: "I notice you're angry, I see you're hurt... and I don't know if it was something I said or did, my intention wasn't to make you feel bad and I apologize if that's the case," "I really feel bad if you feel bad and you know you can count on me whenever you want to talk about it," etc.

I think it's helpful to tell them what we need clearly and concisely, without irrelevant justifications, trying to express our feelings assertively (Mother of a teenager).

If at that moment they are not receptive or do not feel like talking, then don't do it and look for another time (Teenage daughter).

Frequent lying is an avoidance strategy to avoid criticism, rejection, a lecture, a scolding, or punishment. A teenager may also lie to seek approval or recognition. In any case, the lies reveal an underlying coping difficulty that we need to understand. Depending on the difficulty, the appropriate strategy may vary. If lying is a habitual tactic, and we need to discuss the issue, it's advisable to avoid direct confrontation or criticism of the behavior. It's preferable to show curiosity and interest in understanding the intention and reason for not telling the truth . Ultimately, this will help us focus on finding solutions and give us the opportunity to work with and support them in learning coping skills.

In general, it's advisable to avoid making judgments or expressing prejudices about their friends or partners , as this can trigger an alarming or aggressive reaction. If we don't like their company or they're reluctant to explain who they are, it's best to ask questions calmly and with genuine curiosity. Show real interest not so much in knowing what their friends or partners are like (which is closer to interrogation), but in truly understanding what they like about them, how they make them feel, what they bring to their lives, and what criteria they use to choose friends. If we offer them space and show interest, they'll feel more connected. It's from this connection that they can express any doubts, insecurities, or concerns they may have.

I believe you have every right and it may also be important to convey to him in a non-derogatory way what you think, but in the end you will have to accept that he is also free to have whatever friends he wants unless they put him in danger or expose him in some way (Teenage daughter).

By explicitly stating our intention to protect and teach skills, rather than to annoy, control, or distrust, we can explain rules and boundaries from this position of protection and respect. This approach is much more constructive and connects more effectively with their needs for support and trust, making them much easier to understand.

Set limits and rules for them, respectfully and flexibly (Mother of a teenager).

I understand that it's logical to have established limits, however, perhaps being able to talk about it together is positive, as it allows us to reach an agreement and decide them together (Teenage daughter).

Promoting good conversations! Find out more about what we mean by good conversations and how to encourage them.

Create environments that foster a good relationship with our children and value their emotions (Mother of a teenager).

It's never too late , but setting limits with a teenager requires more skill than with a child. Remember that teenagers are in a stage of heightened need for reassurance, with emotions running high and a still-developing capacity for reflection.

The limits must be established with 3 ingredients:

1. Agreed by both parties: listen to their options as well.
2. Anticipated. Not implemented reactively; a good conversation about it is needed.
3. Reviewable. We will learn from our mistakes; if it doesn't work, we will rethink and agree again.

It is important to explain to them that limits are necessary for protection and support: "There are certain things in which you still need our help because you are learning and we must provide this help in your learning," "There are situations that you know how to manage, but you may encounter risks that you do not yet know how to handle and our job is to anticipate them to avoid them for you."

Avoid setting limits as impositions or that presuppose incapacity: "You don't know how to decide well, you don't make good decisions." These kinds of phrases are disempowering and can generate anger and rebellion, or low self-esteem and insecurity.

Limits are essential for living and I believe they should begin to be implemented from the early years (Mother of teenager).

Whatever you think is right. It's normal that for a good relationship there are limits, but we must also learn that there are rules not only at home, but that society is full of them and we must learn to live with them (Teenage daughter).

When agreed-upon boundaries are crossed, it's essential to review what happened with them and fully understand the situation beforehand. This involves listening to each other and ensuring we remain calm enough to have a productive conversation. It's crucial to listen to their account of the incident, understand their reasons, intentions, or underlying difficulties.

As parents, our main task is to teach them skills and equip them with more tools, and we can only do this if we understand their behavior and what lies behind it. Imagine they've crossed a boundary because they perceive it as imposed or unfair, disregarding their opinion, and they want to impose their way of doing things, feeling that their opinion doesn't matter… Well, let's make it matter and agree on rules, anticipate situations, and review together whether they're working.

If we simply react to rule or boundary violations with punishments or consequences, we miss the opportunity to understand what's happening. Understanding why they cross those boundaries is crucial for focusing on solutions, learning from mistakes, and motivating them to use other tools.

If boundaries are clearly established and agreed upon, it's easier for them to know what is expected of them. This will prevent many conflicts (Mother of a teenager).

If there were agreements made and they weren't fulfilled, I wouldn't punish him because I'm one of those people who thinks he's useless, but I would make him understand that he can't do whatever he wants and if he still does, there will be consequences (Teenage daughter).

It's important to understand that children need to develop their own opinions, to differentiate themselves from their parents', and this can lead them to question their parents. Here are some tips for when this happens:

• Validate this need and do not try to impose the agreement.
• Show curiosity about their arguments and beliefs that are different from our own.
• Take advantage of opportunities when he or she makes comments to acknowledge and validate them. It's a way for them to learn this behavior—modeling!

I think we need to try to understand why she has that attitude and at the same time, set some limits for her (Mother of teenager).

We aren't always available to give our full attention, to actively listen. Neither teenagers nor adults. It can be a good idea to ask if they're available, express your interest in having a good conversation, and agree on a time that might be convenient.

In my case, I try to listen to her and understand how she thinks, to know her feelings, doubts, fears, and emotions. Without intending to talk (Mother of a teenager).

If he doesn't want to listen, he won't no matter what you do, so I would leave it at that moment, but later, if he encounters something he doesn't like, react in the same way he does to make him understand how you feel, and from there, if you can talk at another time, perfect (Teenage daughter).

It's normal for children to get angry. I try to wait, to give them space. And if their words hurt me, I try to communicate my disagreement as assertively as possible (Mother of a teenager).

Yes, I think so. It hurts, but don't take it personally. Even if she doesn't want to admit it, you're the most important people in her life. Sometimes you clash more with the people you love most. (Teenage daughter)