Grief in a loss by suicide

When we lose a loved one, a process of acceptance of the loss begins, a final farewell, which can last for a long time and produces a series of consequences that we have often not considered: social, personal, economic, physical…

If overcoming the loss of someone we love is a difficult task, when it involves a person who has died by suicide, the situation becomes much more complicated and difficult to cope with.

To the logical feelings of sadness, pain and dejection, one can add with enormous intensity: shame, incomprehension, abandonment, guilt, uncontrollable pain with serious physical manifestations at times, anger with the person for what they have done and even relief, if it has occurred after a long and difficult mental illness.

And the terrible questions that assail us at every moment: Why? Why did he do it? Why did he do this to me? How could he have taken his own life?

These questions that constantly assail us seek a rational explanation for a phenomenon that, even today, possibly due to all the taboos surrounding it, remains difficult to explain. Even so, we must remember that:

• Often, people who die by suicide have some type of diagnosed or undiagnosed mental disorder.
• They often have an individual and non-transferable feeling of extreme suffering that makes them unable to analyze their situation from the logic of life.
• People can die from this cause just as others can die from cancer or a heart attack. They are victims of an illness or a temporary mental breakdown.
• In other people it is difficult to interpret the reason behind it, but it may be related to romantic disappointments (mostly teenagers and young adults), or to a terrible feeling of loneliness (usually elderly people).
• Even so, we cannot speak of suicide. We must speak of suicides, since every suicide is a personal and individual act. No one is the same as anyone else, and each story deserves to be considered, even when we struggle to understand its reasons and accept its end.

The silence surrounding suicide leads us to believe that our experience is practically unique, but in Spain alone, almost four thousand (3,941) people died by suicide in 2020, making it the leading cause of external death, surpassing traffic accidents. Even if we fear that statistics underestimate the true figure, due to the obvious reluctance to classify an unnatural death as suicide, this still means that in Spain, more than eight people die by suicide every day. In Europe, around 58,000 people die by suicide each year, and according to WHO data, someone in the world takes their own life every 40 seconds.

Rules of mourning for suicide

The grief that accompanies a loss by suicide, still largely invisible in society and subject to stigma and numerous myths, represents a difficult journey for those who experience it. The risk of remaining silent, of not being able to undergo a healthy grieving process, can lead survivors to develop serious psychological and physical conditions that can last for a long time, and even to attempt suicide themselves.

Some considerations about grief that we can take into account are:

1. People don't all react the same way to the death of a loved one. Our response will be individual and related to who we are, our upbringing, and our personal and cultural experiences.
2. Hiding how we really feel is not good: it hinders communication with the people who love us and who may be feeling the same as us.
3. When we lose someone to suicide, it's normal for our world to become unbearable, unsafe, full of pain and guilt .
4. Grief can cause physical and mental pain. It is highly advisable to see a doctor and monitor your overall health, and, if necessary, seek appropriate psychotherapeutic help.
5. Grief following suicide presents a particular risk of negative progression, known as "complicated or traumatic grief." We must be aware of and attentive to any negative developments in order to address them and recognize when we need help.
6. We need people to be there for us , to understand us, to comfort us, not to tell us we have to get through this. It's good to remind those around us of this with affection.
7. Talking about our loss is necessary ; reliving our experience (what happened, how we experienced it...) is good for our evolution and for the integration of the loss, however much most people may not believe it.
8. Loss and grief are fraught with myths and misconceptions. It's important that we learn about grief and seek out accurate information.
9. Crying is good. Feeling very sad is normal. Not wanting to do anything is understandable. Whatever anyone tells us, we need to be sure that this is the normal state and that it will last for quite some time.
10. Life goes on around us , whether we like it or not. As much as possible, we must find time to reclaim our lives and redefine how we live them in light of our loss.