"Emotional management becomes more complicated when we interact with thousands of people."

"First, because we have them and we can't ignore them; they're part of our daily lives and, moreover, they give us vital information about how we relate to our environment, to the things that happen and to those we think might happen to us, but also to those we remember. Why is it important that we get along with them? Because they give us a lot of information. And if we are able to recognize them and manage them well , we will live much better than if we turn our backs on them, if we don't acknowledge them. What our emotions are telling us is, 'Listen, something is happening to you,' and our unconscious brain is telling us, 'What's happening to you is making you angry, therefore, this anger you feel is because of something that's happening.' And if we don't pay attention, it's likely to happen again."

So, pay attention to the emotion, which is giving you important information, and manage it as best you can so that, when you find yourself in a similar situation again, either the emotion transforms or, if it resurfaces, you say, "Hey, the same thing is happening again." What often happens is that, since we haven't been taught much about managing emotions, we just do what we can, we just wing it.

"There are many ways to do it, but if we look at the classic definition of emotional intelligence, Daniel Goleman 's from the 1990s, he based it on Howard Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences from the 1980s, and took two of these intelligences, interpersonal and intrapersonal, grouped them together, and called it emotional intelligence . It works with five aspects: two interpersonal and three intrapersonal, that is, relationships with others and relationships with oneself. And it usually starts with the relationship with oneself, intrapersonal intelligence , in which the three main aspects are: self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-motivation ."

First and foremost, then, is self-awareness : knowing what emotions are and understanding which emotion we are feeling, how we feel. But this applies at all levels, including the cognitive, linguistic, and descriptive , because sometimes we have so little emotional vocabulary that it's difficult for us to feel emotions. If we don't put words to them, we may feel, but we don't know what we feel. That's why it's so important, when we are young, to put words to emotions: "How do you feel? Good, bad." But there are many people who, even at fifty, still use "good" and "bad" as their answer. Can you give me some more information? What do you mean by "good"? Are you happy, sad, angry?

Once you've recognized the emotion, the next step is self-regulation , self-management, or self-control. In other words, what can I do to manage it as effectively as possible? Is this emotion appropriate for the situation? Is the intensity right? Am I expressing it appropriately? For example, am I managing my anger constructively, without breaking anything or harming myself?

Socio-emotional skills that promote resilience

Read more

When we talk about self-motivation , emotional intelligence also helps us to motivate ourselves, to get out of bed and think "Today is worth it, I'll get through this," without needing anyone to motivate me.

As for the interpersonal aspect , there is empathy , that is, being able to recognize these emotions in another person and behave accordingly, and also social skills : assertive communication, non-verbal communication, knowing how to interpret people's gestures, non-violent communication...

And based on all of this, we can work on emotional intelligence."

"Of course, putting it into practice isn't so simple, because emotional management is essentially a habit : 'I do this because I've always done it this way.' And if I don't have the will to change, I can know the theory, but I'll keep repeating emotional patterns. That's why there has to be this self-awareness, this control... What's clear is that, if you do nothing, you'll continue managing your emotions the same way you probably learned quite unconsciously when you were little, which is when you receive the most important impulses."

"I believe that part of our responsibility as adults is to pass on this knowledge so that children and teenagers have the necessary tools to manage their emotions in the best way possible , but not from the judgmental perspective of 'right' or 'wrong' that we sometimes use. If someone behaves in a way that harms themselves or others, something is wrong. And what we can teach them are tools to resolve this situation by feeling the emotion, but with a behavior, linked to that emotion, that is helpful. It's important for teenagers to understand their emotions, to normalize them , and managing emotions involves normalizing the situation. The main problem is when we get stuck on an emotion without understanding the information it's giving us. And if I have a behavior that helps me get out of that emotion, I adopt it as a habit." For example, if I get angry with someone and the moment I punch them, the anger disappears, my brain is saying, "Ah, okay, the solution is to punch someone, because that makes me feel much better." The idea is to work on how you can feel better without harming another person or yourself, to have more helpful behavior, but still be able to feel anger, because, of course, saying "don't get angry" isn't helpful, because you're telling yourself, "it's not valid, you can't be angry," and in the end, you just end up getting even angrier.

The main problem is getting caught up in an emotion without understanding the information it provides. And if my behavior helps me break free from that emotion, I adopt it as a habit.

"Some people are born more resilient than others, but we can teach teenagers to be more resilient, give them effective strategies to deal with the many situations they will have to live through, and work on skills with them that promote this resilience."

But self-motivation is also important here. Resilience is essentially about emerging stronger from difficult and traumatic situations, learning from the experience, and moving forward. If I lack this motivation and don't see a lesson in what happens to me, it's hard to be resilient, because ultimately I ask myself, "Why should I be resilient if I don't see a better future?" In fact, humanity progresses and grows because, in the long run, we always envision a better future; otherwise, we wouldn't move forward. So I think we can also teach how to have an optimistic long-term vision , how to work on the "whys," the motivation, having a purpose, understanding that a lesson can be learned from that situation... It's not easy, but with a few tools, significant changes can occur.

"Yes, technology makes emotional management more complex, because the more relationships we have, the more complex they become . If we interact with two or three people, we might have a problem with just two or three people, but when we interact with thousands of people, the emotional complexity is much greater. For example, empathy —that capacity we humans have to put ourselves in someone else's shoes, to know what they're feeling, why they're doing what they're doing—is automatically activated when we're in contact with another person, through what we call mirror neurons. But with screens, this is more difficult because there isn't that deep connection; it's an image of someone behind a screen, sometimes there isn't even an image, and sometimes it's hard to activate this aspect of empathy."

But we have to adapt, because we're spending more and more time in front of a screen, not only on social media, but also playing games, in meetings, and in job interviews. The real and virtual worlds are increasingly merging . We have to bring all this emotional intelligence into the digital world. That is, when we talk about self-awareness, for example, knowing how we feel when we're playing a video game and someone says something to us, or how it makes me feel when I post a photo on Instagram and one day I get 20 likes and the next day I get none or I get really nasty comments.

We must support them and care about how they feel if someone has made a comment they don't like, if they've been unfollowed on social media, if they haven't received a like ...

It's about managing emotions within the digital world, working on self-esteem, managing frustration, being able to stop playing when it's time or leave your phone at home without it causing anxiety for fear of missing something that's happening, managing the lack of immediacy of things."

Accompanying the changes of adolescence

Read more

"I don't know if adults can teach teenagers how to interact with screens, because most adults don't relate well to them; parents with their phones in their hands telling their children to put them down... What credibility do we have, for example, when we tell them how to manage social media, when we don't know how to do it ourselves? However, we can certainly support them emotionally. It's not about being experts in the digital world, but about being interested in their world and being there for them . How do they feel if someone has made a comment they didn't like, if they've been unfollowed on a social network, if they haven't gotten a like ...? We should always be there to ask them , 'How are you? How are you feeling? What happened?'" And working with them on what happens if they don't get a like , what happens if someone leaves a comment, working on frustration, the lack of instant gratification... Even though I don't like social media or screens, this is a matter of emotional management, and it doesn't matter if it's caused by a classmate at school, watching a show, playing a video game, or on social media. We have a lot of work to do here, which is connecting with the world of teenagers, even if we don't like technology or screens.

Even so, we've all been teenagers and had the same problems, and our parents probably didn't connect with us either. But it's true that the world is evolving much faster and changes are happening very quickly.

Emotional education in digital environments

Read more

Webinar