What to do when your teenage son or daughter asks you to go out partying?

It's common knowledge that adolescence, both physically and psychologically, is starting earlier and earlier. This reality means that the reference point parents have for when their children start going out at night and celebrating parties without adults is no longer relevant to the needs of today's teenagers. What should you do the first time a teenager asks to go to a party alone? What if it's at night? How do you manage their first New Year's Eve celebration away from home? What agreements should you reach? What advice is important when delegating responsibilities?

Before the party…

• List of friends who will be attending. Ask your son or daughter to list, from all the friends you know, who will be attending. Keep an eye on their social media to stay informed about the potential size of the party, the location, etc. Teenagers use social media and instant messaging apps instead of phone calls, so it's very likely they'll use these channels to plan the celebration. If you have any concerns about something you're not aware of, try to find out more. It's a good idea to include the names and contact information of the parents of the friends attending on the guest list. If you have any doubts or concerns, contacting the parent of one of their friends can help put your mind at ease or prevent any situations you think might be inappropriate during the celebration.
• Location and time. Ask for details about the room, house, or space where the celebration will take place. If possible, accompany them to the party to confirm it's being held at the location they mentioned. It's also advisable to pick them up afterward to ensure everything went smoothly and that your agreements were honored.

Dr. David Bueno Torrens

PhD in Biology and Professor and Researcher in the Biomedical, Evolutionary, and Developmental Genetics Section. Specialist in developmental genetics and neuroscience. Science communicator

Universitat de Barcelona

"Teenagers need us to set limits for them so they can cross them."

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Negotiation rules and values education

• Honesty and trust. Even if there are experiences, events, and ways of thinking you don't like about your son or daughter (generational change brings these things), encourage them to always share their daily life, concerns, and perspective with you. Mutual trust is key to getting to know them better, understanding how they will act in certain situations, and anticipating potential risks. Make honesty, trust, and respect the cornerstones of your relationship.
• Dialogue. It's an essential element in human relationships, and even more so in the family context. Set aside time each day for conversation, and even agree on specific times for it. Family meals, without interruptions, are an excellent opportunity to talk about daily life. Never miss a chance to talk, to learn about their personal situation, how they're coping with adolescence, and what their concerns and interests are. Getting closer to them will foster bonds of trust that will continually strengthen.
• Communication with other parents. Try to get to know the parents of your child's friends. They will always be a way to connect and confirm the activities your child participates in with their friends, and a source of support and collaboration for any needs that may arise. You can also offer the possibility of creating a group of adults who support and reinforce the same educational principles that underpin your teaching.
• Commitment. Agree on commitments and a gradual plan for transferring autonomy to their nights out. If you are initially less lenient with their requests, for example, regarding curfew or the amount of money you give them for expenses, it will be easier for them to take responsibility and commit. Try to make these agreements very clear, review them, and negotiate them as needed, depending on their level of maturity. Being lenient from the beginning with everything they ask for is not beneficial for their development, as it implies learning a simple rule that could be translated as "I get what I ask for."

Remember that values are one of the most important elements on which education should be based, and that they will form part of their personality in adulthood.

• Make it clear to them that you, their parent, are the first person they should turn to for any problem. If they have a strong sense of trust and security with their parents, they'll have a clear reference point in situations involving risk, problems, or uncertainties—people they can confide in completely. A parental relationship based on these values is essential for navigating adolescence, a stage filled not only with physical and emotional changes but also with constant doubts and questions. The path to adulthood will always be easier when guided by an adult.
• Teach him to say no, to stand up for himself in front of his friends when necessary. This is an essential skill to cultivate if you believe he has a malleable personality. Furthermore, if you consider his friends to be his primary influence, for better or for worse, teach him to develop his own judgment and say no to decisions, activities, or behaviors that he sees as detrimental or that he won't enjoy.
• Fun is not linked to the use of addictive substances. Discuss with him the risks involved in using certain substances, present him with situations that serve as examples (real or fictional), and emphasize the dangers of "crossing the line." There are certain substances he needs to understand he should never try, not even in small amounts. Showing him the severity of the consequences can be one of the best educational lessons you give your son or daughter. Remember that there are numerous resources available about the risks of alcohol and drug use, dangerous behaviors, etc., and within this vast repository, audiovisual and testimonial resources can be the most impactful.

Characteristics of family communication in adolescence

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After the party…

• If he comes home to sleep , tell him to let you know when he gets there or try to wait up for him. That way you'll know what time he arrives and you can see how the celebration went.
• If he doesn't come home to sleep , ask him to have the parent of the friend he's staying at send you a message or call you. Show him that you're not demanding this out of distrust, but for your own peace of mind.
• Share your experience. Not just your personal impressions, whether you enjoyed the party or not, but also your thoughts on the other friends you celebrated with, the overall atmosphere, or if you observed any behavior you felt was inappropriate. This is another great opportunity to share, communicate, and learn from experience.
• Educate in values and habits . Following on from the previous advice, we recommend that during conversations about personal experiences, you take the opportunity to teach values regarding illicit behavior and the use of addictive substances. These are the main risks that concern parents; raising awareness and discussing the dangers of these behaviors with your children is part of preventing them.

And don't forget that your child's education is a daily task that requires dedication and effort, but which also brings great rewards. Remember that values are one of the most important elements on which education should be based, and they will form part of their personality in adulthood.

This is an original article from the Escola de Salut de l'Hospital Sant Joan de Déu Barcelona.