What can I do if my son or daughter self-harms?

People who self-harm often struggle to manage their feelings . Instead of confronting an intense emotion (such as sadness or anger), they use self-harm to try to reduce, manage, or escape these feelings. Some people experience relief after self-harming, and this can lead them to use the same strategy to manage difficult emotions in the future.

As a parent or caregiver of someone who self-harms, it can seem impossible to understand why they feel self-harm can help them. It's difficult to accept, but it's important to understand that people who self-harm feel relief afterward (even if only for a short time, after which they usually feel worse), and this contributes to the desire to repeat the behavior.

Warning signs of self-harm

If you're unsure whether your son or daughter is self-harming, there are some signs that may lead you to suspect this behavior:

• Noticing distant or avoidant behavior, and difficulty expressing feelings.
• Look for cuts, burns, or bruises, usually on the arms and legs.
• Finding hidden objects, such as razor blades, knives, or other objects that can be used for self-harm.
• Notice that she's wearing clothes that aren't appropriate for the weather (for example, a long-sleeved shirt and long pants on hot summer days). This could be a strategy to try to hide scars, wounds, or bruises.

How does it make me feel when my son or daughter self-harms?

Discovering that your son or daughter is self-harming can be very difficult to believe and understand, whether they are a teenager, young adult, or adult. You may have some of these reactions:

• To be in shock , to deny it.
• Anger and frustration.
• Confusion and worry.
• Deep sadness.
• Blame.

All of these reactions can be normal. Knowing this will help you take better care of your child , although it's best not to share some of these feelings with the person who is self-harming. In addition to these reactions, you probably have many questions. Below are some answers to these concerns and some tips on what to do and say in this situation.

How do I talk to her about it and what do I say?

Some helpful tips for talking to your son or daughter:

• Choose a good time . It's best to talk privately in a place where you're both comfortable and relaxed. Try to talk about it as soon as possible.
• Explain your concern to him .
• Be mindful of your emotions . If you're very angry, it might not be a good time to have a conversation.
• Start by telling him why you are worried and why you think he may be self-harming.
• Try not to argue , accuse, or threaten (for example, with ultimatums). It may be a good idea to reassure them that they will not be punished for self-harm.
• If he is receptive to the conversation, ask questions about self-harm .
• You can ask questions like: "How do you feel before you self-harm?"; "How do you feel afterward?"; "Is there anything that's worrying you now that I can help you with?".
• If he refuses to talk about it, be patient ; it may be difficult at first.
• Repeat your concerns to them and explain that you'll try to continue the conversation at another time. When you do, try to follow these tips again.

Getting professional help is very important, as you cannot treat self-harm on your own. You can talk to your family doctor or a mental health professional.

Risk and protective factors for self-harm

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How can I help my son or daughter who self-harms?

• Learn about self-harm from reliable sources; it's important. The more you know about the topic, the better you can help in the recovery process.
• Don't ignore the problem . Self-harm is often a sign of distress and can indicate difficulties.
• Listen to your son or daughter, even if it's difficult to hear them talk about their suffering. Try not to oversimplify the problem or suggest a more positive perspective, because that can be perceived as not listening. We need to listen without trying to correct or solve the problem, simply confirming that we are listening.
• If you believe your child may be at risk , increase their supervision and consult their doctor or pediatrician as soon as possible. Remove all potentially dangerous objects or items that could be used for self-harm from their reach.
• Encourage him to seek help from a professional.
• Be patient . There are always setbacks in the recovery process. This is normal, as treatment takes time.
• Remember to maintain good communication throughout the entire treatment process.
• Take care of yourself. The better you feel, the better you can help.

If you are under 18 years old:

• It's important that you don't punish her for self-harm. She needs support to stop, and she may not do so immediately or easily. Punishments or threats can lead her to self-harm in secret.
• You can force your son or daughter to undergo treatment. However, the results are always better if there is motivation. Try to get them involved in the process.

If you are over 18 years old:

• If they live away from home, you might want them to move back in because you think you'll have more control that way. However, this doesn't always work, and it doesn't guarantee things will improve at home. Try to negotiate.
• It can be very frustrating when someone doesn't want professional help, but you can't force them into therapy (unless their behavior is life-threatening). You need to be aware that you can't control them and try not to let this become the focus of your relationship and damage your communication.