Learning to treat ourselves well in times of pain

Practicing self-compassion as an alternative to self-criticism

Dr. Joaquim Soler

Clinical psychologist at the Borderline Personality Disorder Unit, Psychiatry Department

Hospital de la Santa Creu i Sant Pau

Often, people with a high tendency toward self-criticism and shame have a history characterized by neglectful, traumatic, or invalidating environments in which they felt unsafe. But even in the absence of such experiences, the tendency toward self-criticism is encouraged and common in our Western society. To mitigate the effects of an upbringing that has fostered self-criticism, learning to treat ourselves with kindness is far more helpful. This is the aim of compassion training.

It is crucial to distinguish and understand that compassion is a positive emotion ; in fact, it is the emotion of love. Although in this case, love is applied to someone who is suffering rather than someone who is not. Therefore, compassion has nothing to do with condescension or pity, in which there is a vertical relationship between the subject and the object of our emotion; that is, the person who feels is above the other. In the case of compassion (love), the relationship is horizontal, on the same level , between a person who is suffering and a person who shares that suffering.

Compassion has nothing to do with pity or condescension, and being self-compassionate does not mean being self-indulgent; rather, it is about recognizing the existence of a problem and, from there, resolving or mitigating it.

Self-compassion does not mean self-indulgence . Being compassionate does not mean denying the existence of a problem. It means acknowledging the problem and, from there, working to resolve or mitigate it. Criticizing oneself for the presence of the problem adds nothing useful to the equation. Thus, as Gilbert & Choden define it in Mindful Compassion , compassion It is "sensitivity to one's own suffering and that of others, along with a deep desire to try to alleviate it."

Nuria Vilademunt

Protagonist of BeHenka

Henka

"Starting to love yourself is a long process where you have to learn many things"

Ver testimonio

To encourage each other in times of pain

Learning to encourage yourself is an alternative to the self-critical internal dialogue we often use . It's interesting to note that the style of dialogue we have with others is, in many cases, much more motivating, descriptive, and ultimately helpful than the one we use when talking to ourselves. Perhaps this is why many people consider themselves more skilled at giving advice to others than to themselves. Faced with the same situation, such as forgetting your cell phone in a restaurant, many of us would be compassionate and less judgmental with a friend, but we would probably criticize ourselves severely if we were the ones who lost our phone. Developing a kind and warm style of internal dialogue is very useful , and there are many practices and exercises you can do to help you do this.

We must speak to ourselves as we would to a friend who is suffering. In a painful situation, the way we mentally interact with it will modulate it, intensifying or lessening the discomfort.

Encouraging yourself means practicing talking to yourself with phrases that help you get through the situation without making it worse. Essentially, it involves speaking to yourself as you would to a friend who is suffering (Soler et al., 2015). Succeeding at this requires patience and practice , since the usual alternative—the tendency to judge ourselves harshly—is deeply ingrained. The belief that self-criticism is healthy is firmly rooted in our culture. When faced with a painful situation, the way we mentally interact with it will modulate it, either intensifying or lessening the discomfort .

Below are some recommendations for learning how to generate more useful phrases in moments of pain, taken from the Manual for Letting Go (Soler, 2022).

When you think about the content of your sentences, imagine if it resembles what you would say to a friend who is going through a similar situation to yours.
Acknowledge the difficulty and the suffering. Telling yourself "this is painful" is often much more effective than trying to minimize the pain with phrases like "but it's nothing." First acknowledge it, and then work towards greater tolerance for the difficulty. For example, "this is painful, and you're handling it well," as opposed to "this is too difficult, so just give up."
Don't hesitate, and don't use terms like " maybe " or phrases that include "it may be that..." Be firm: "I can handle this."
Be realistic. Don't say things you don't believe or that aren't realistic, like, "This doesn't affect me at all" or "I don't care." Would you say that to a friend? I think it's more likely that if you had a friend in your situation, you'd say, "What do you need to feel better? What can I do to help you?"
Focus on enduring the present moment (not the future) . Encourage yourself to tolerate this moment, and the next. It's not the same to tell someone who quit smoking ten days ago and has an intense craving for a cigarette, something like, "Focus on resisting the next 25 minutes, I think you can do it," as it is to say, "Focus on resisting the next 25 years, I think you can do it." Every moment of pain (like pleasure) is transient, impermanent. What happens is that when we feel pain, we easily forget it, and the suffering seems endless.
Encourage yourself by focusing on things that are within your control. If you're facing an exam, don't say "I'll pass." Passing doesn't depend solely on you, but also on the specific exam and the teacher. Be specific; telling yourself something like "I've studied and I'll do my best" will work better.
Connect with the desire to help and improve the situation. Wise and truly motivating phrases are so because they acknowledge the problem and recognize the fact that all humans share imperfection. We all face pain, in one way or another, with kindness and the intention to help.