Internal dialogue in eating disorders
Summary
"One of the legends of the Cherokee people tells of a very wise old man who, sitting on a large rock, saw a little Indian girl appear, very angry and full of rage. The girl was so angry that she couldn't explain herself."
The kind old man welcomed her and invited her to sit with him on the large rock. To help and calm her, he explained that he too had once been just as angry and furious, not knowing what to do to feel better, to solve what tormented him. Frustrated, he tripped over the large rock where they now sat, and there he glimpsed two wolves.
He observed that one of them was strong, cheerful, and kind; he enjoyed life, played, loved, and was happy simply to be alive. The other, on the other hand, growled, was full of fear, hatred, and envy, and was distrustful, even of himself, for he would bite his own tail.
The old man understood that the wolves he was seeing lived inside him. He explained to the girl that all human beings have these two wolves within them, living side by side: one feeds on love, peace, and generosity, and the other thrives on guilt, suffering, and resentment.
And both fight to dominate our inner selves.
The little Indian girl, who was listening very attentively, asked:
—And who will win?
To which the old man replied:
"The wolf you feed will win."
(Adapted from the short story The Two Wolves . Wilfred. Akiara books. 2024)
This story reflects, in a simple and symbolic way , how our inner dialogue works . We all live with that "Jiminy Cricket" that interferes with our emotional well-being.
In eating disorders (EDs), this internal conversation is key, because the messages that the person gives themselves can maintain or increase the problem, or they can represent a path to care and recovery.
The struggle between these two wolves closely resembles the internal dialogue that accompanies eating disorders. It is a continuous confrontation between the voice that tries to care and another that, driven by control, demands, and fear, ends up causing harm.
The internal dialogue that accompanies eating disorders is a continuous confrontation between the voice that tries to care and the one that, from control, demands and fear, ends up causing harm.
The "big bad wolf" represents those critical and punishing voices that say, "You're not enough"; "You shouldn't eat that"; "If you eat it, you'll ruin everything." These thoughts generate fear, more shame, and excessive demands, becoming a voice that dominates and emotionally drains you, and can manifest as sadness, isolation, and irritability.
However, there is also, though less frequently, the "good wolf." That voice or those thoughts that connect with the person you truly are, beyond the eating disorder, and that lovingly whispers: "You can rest"; "Eating gives you energy"; or "I want to take care of myself."
Learning to treat ourselves well in times of pain
When does the eating disorder speak, and when does the person speak?
Detecting this internal dialogue of the eating disorder is complex and not always easy, since, often, the disorder is confused with one's own thoughts and interprets that everything those thoughts say corresponds to what a person is.
But there are some signs from which you can begin to identify when the eating disorder is speaking or when the person is speaking.
The voices that harm
Harmful voices form a discourse that typically speaks from a place of control, fear, or guilt , generally with messages that directly attack the person. We can distinguish some of these voices:
- A demeaning voice. It speaks with insults, contempt, and humiliation: "You're disgusting," "You're pathetic," or "You're worthless." It generates low self-esteem, feelings of shame and inadequacy, and leads to greater isolation.
- A demanding voice. In constant pursuit of perfection, nothing is ever enough; it always demands more, and if it's not achieved, it questions the person's effort: "If you don't do it right, it's no good"; "You haven't done it well enough." This generates guilt, increased anxiety, and exhaustion.
- Controlling voice. Very common in eating disorders, these are thoughts that seek control to create a greater sense of security: "If you don't eat this, you'll feel better about yourself"; "Thinner, you'll look better." This ultimately increases rigidity, risky eating behaviors, and greater dependence on the disorder.
The voices that cause harm form a discourse that usually speaks from a place of control, fear, or guilt, with messages that directly attack the person.
- A victim mentality. This is reflected in thoughts that convey hopelessness and helplessness: "I'll never get out of this"; "If I change, no one will love me." It generates emotional blockage, sadness, and distrust of recovery and treatment.
- Blaming voice . It appears when something is difficult, transferring guilt and responsibility to the person: "You're making your family suffer"; "You should be able to handle this"; "It's your fault you're like this." They provoke self-punishment.
- The "reasonable" voice. This is one of the most dangerous because it doesn't sound aggressive and can be mistaken for something realistic, mature, objective, or logical, and can justify certain risky eating disorder behaviors with a lot of common sense: "I'm just taking care of my health"; "I'm not hungry, listening to my body is healthy"; "I know what I need better than anyone."
- Negotiating voice. It generates ideas in the person by proposing agreements that benefit the eating disorder: "You eat a little less now, and then we'll see"; "Just this once." It creates dependency because the person may perceive that they have control or that they can find relief; however, it ends up reinforcing behaviors that maintain the problem.
- Comparative voice. It constantly compares itself to others, invalidating the person, both their abilities and their suffering: "Others can and you can't"; "Don't complain, others are worse off."
Cognitive distortions in eating disorders
The problem with these voices is that they believe they are the only truth. The work involves identifying these messages and, once recognized, ceasing to feed the voice of the eating disorder and keeping in mind that not every voice that seems kind is caring. It may present itself as a voice that "only wants the best," conveying security and control, as long as certain rules are followed. Some phrases may seem reasonable, but they continue to maintain and reinforce fear and rigidity .
The goal is not only to change harsh words into nice or kind ones, but also to be able to change the intention.
The voices that care
The inner voices that help to strengthen and care for us are those voices that do not deny the discomfort ; they can think about it, identify it, and recognize it, and they help to protect us, guide us, and support us emotionally.
- A caring voice. Communicates with tenderness, generating calm and greater emotional security: "You're having a hard time"; "You need to ask for help."
- A compassionate voice. This is the voice that expresses emotions without assigning blame or judging the person for feeling them: "It makes sense that you're sad"; "It's normal that today is harder." It helps reduce self-criticism, anxiety, and shame.
- Realistic voice. It helps to balance perception and extreme thoughts, allowing you to be more objective: "Today has been a complicated day, not a failure."
- Protective voice. Messages that care and prevent potential risks, thus limiting the messages that the eating disorder can give: "This can harm me."
- A hopeful voice. Thoughts that help motivate the person in the process, maintaining the sense of change and recovery: "Every step counts"; "This won't last forever."
- A healthy adult voice is one that validates discomfort without needing to justify it. It can often be confused with a "reasonable" voice because both stem from common sense, but the message has a clearly different emotional impact: "Asking for help is consistent; it doesn't make me weak or a failure."
Voices that truly care don't offer quick relief at the expense of harm. They may seem more insecure because they don't appear to reduce fear instantly, but they offer greater protection in the long run.
Gisella
Learning to distinguish voices
Learning to distinguish and recognize these voices is a process that requires practice and professional support. Doubting and making mistakes is part of the journey , and detecting the damage in the internal dialogue is an important step in recovery.
I encourage you to put it into practice with the following activity:
- Write down on a piece of paper all the voices that hurt you, and try to identify them in your own internal dialogue.
- Try to transform those words into kinder, more understanding, and realistic words.
