How to promote effective family communication

Strategies to improve communication with teenagers

Mental Health Area. Sant Joan de Déu Hospital Barcelona

Effective communication is defined as that in which the receiver interprets and understands the message as the sender intended. This would be ideal communication, but we frequently encounter difficulties in achieving it. Distraction, interruptions, rushing to offer solutions, making value judgments, denying or rejecting the feelings of our interlocutor, counter-arguing and focusing on ourselves, and neglecting our nonverbal communication (voice, gestures) are some of the most common barriers to communication.

We can significantly improve our communication with teenagers by putting some simple strategies into practice:

Active listening

Listening to and understanding communication from the other person's point of view means understanding not only what they directly express, but also the feelings, ideas, or thoughts underlying what they are saying . This requires attentive listening, but it's more than just paying attention; it means trying to understand the other person holistically.

To facilitate active listening, it can be helpful to paraphrase, summarize what we've understood to ensure we're grasping it correctly, and offer reinforcing phrases or words. We should try to adapt our language to the teenager, without getting confused or putting ourselves on the same level (we're not their friends).

It is also advisable to take care of our non-verbal communication: maintaining eye contact, appropriate distance, a slightly forward-leaning posture, gestures and expressions that demonstrate interest, facial expression in accordance with the content of the message, etc.

Characteristics of family communication in adolescence

Availability

It will help to adopt a positive attitude towards our children's initial attempts at interaction (even if it means interrupting what we're doing at the time), trying to seize opportunities to learn their opinions, answer their questions, and share our own experiences. But it will also be necessary to accept their silences, rejections, or lack of interest, understanding that at this age these are perfectly normal.

If we're dealing with an issue that can't be put off, it would be helpful to "negotiate" and set a new time to communicate. This demonstrates our interest and teaches them patience.

It is important to make sure they know they can count on us if they have a problem and to act accordingly , being alert to any signs of concern (for example, if they ask indirect questions about something that is happening to a friend, something they have seen or read, or ask questions about their parents' own adolescence), trying to be receptive and accept them unconditionally.

Adaptability

Maintaining open communication with our teenagers will require a high degree of proactivity on our part. We must seek out opportunities and make flexible communication suggestions, letting them know we are interested and concerned, while also being mindful of the possibilities for interaction and adapting to each situation. Participating in shared activities is recommended, as these create excellent opportunities for conversation.

If we want to communicate with our children, it's important to choose the right time and place. A good communication style and coherent content may not be enough if we haven't considered the location, the level of privacy, their mood, and whether the activity they're engaged in is incompatible with communication.

Empathy and acceptance

Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in another person's shoes, to understand and feel from their point of view. It is essential for active listening from an emotional perspective, trying to "get inside their skin" and letting them know that "we understand."

Sometimes it's difficult for us not to minimize a teenager's worries or the intensity of their emotional reactions, but what teenagers need is to feel validated and not judged for their opinions or feelings. Even if we don't share their point of view, communication will benefit if we are able to make them feel heard and understood.

They will often tell us that "we don't understand them." We will have to tolerate these reactions, trying to get them to explain more about what's happening to them and remembering that we didn't always feel understood by our parents, even when they did their best.

Does family communication influence adolescent development?

Assertiveness and self-regulation

Assertive communication allows us to express our opinions, emotions, and desires calmly and respectfully, and to try to accept others without judgment. If, as parents, we manage to maintain an assertive stance with our children, appropriately self-regulating our emotions, we set a positive example for them, and they are more likely to incorporate these types of strategies into their interpersonal communication style.

To do this, it will help to take into account several aspects:

Respect and accept differences . One of the goals of adolescence is the formation of one's own identity through differentiation from parents, so it is expected that opinions contrary to family values, beliefs and ideologies will be expressed.
Be specific in your communication . Be able to define what you think, what you ask for or want, and make concrete proposals.
Try to be brief . Repeating the same thing several times or making your speech excessively long can cause teenagers to tune out or think you're a nuisance. It's better to clearly state what you expect from them and what you will do if they don't meet those expectations, and give them time to figure it out for themselves, without constantly reminding them.
Be precise when expressing disagreement or criticism by mentioning the specific behavior that we dislike and not the person as a whole.
Try not to mix topics . Sometimes we take advantage of an argument to discuss another issue that worries us or to bring up something from the past, and teenagers often do this too.
Don't let negative emotions accumulate without communicating them . This can lead to conflict with the teenager or a disproportionate emotional outburst.
Be patient, negotiate, and set clear boundaries . It's typical of adolescence to question established family rules, and entering this stage requires a reconstruction of rules and boundaries, partially negotiated with the teenagers, but they still need some basic, clear, and unchangeable rules.