How to break the taboo about death in childhood

Educating about loss and grief from a young age

Drafting

SOM Salud Mental 360

Romper el tabú de la muerte en la infancia

Dealing with death and the loss of loved ones is something we will all have to face at different times and stages of life. We live in a time when talking about death is taboo, an uncomfortable topic that is often denied and hidden.

Managing any type of loss is a fundamental aspect of personal development. Ignoring it doesn't prevent losses from occurring; it simply forces those affected to deal with them as best they can.

Even from a young age, children ask about death because they are interested in everything around them. Grief is a natural process, and understanding the psychological concept of grief in childhood is essential for children's psychological development. Throughout their lives, they will experience various losses, such as breakups, separations, the loss of friendships, academic failures, or the loss of hopes and dreams.

Talking about loss at home

Children's education about death should begin at home and continue in the educational setting. It is important to talk about death with children, adolescents, and young adults both at home and at school to prevent the development of disorders such as anxiety, depression, complicated grief, or psychosomatic symptoms related to coping with loss.

This testimony, which collects 365 heartbeats from Solidaridad San Juan de Dios , tells how a mother experienced the death of her grandmother with her 7-year-old son, to whom she did not hide what had happened and accompanied him in his grief.

The day my grandmother died, everyone was calling me to come and get my son and take him away from home. It's difficult to tell them, but once you've explained it, children adapt to the new situation.

Xusa Serra Llanas

Nurse in the Illness, Bereavement and End of Life Support Unit

Hospital Universitari General de Catalunya

"Children should not be kept away from farewell rituals."

Ver testimonio

The " Guide on Grief in Childhood and Adolescence ," published by the Vizcaya Medical Association and aimed at families, teachers, and students, addresses the management of loss in childhood and adolescence. It states that in the face of a death or loss, a series of issues must be addressed, such as how to explain the experience of death to children and answer their questions, how to inform classmates of the death of a very young person, or how to break the news of the death of a loved one to a child or adolescent.

How to communicate the loss

When considering how to tell a child about the loss of a loved one, it is important to determine who will do it, when, where, and how; what to say; and also to avoid unhelpful expressions (Poch & Herrero, 2003). Some guidelines on who, when, how, and what to say about loss in childhood are:

It is preferable that the person who communicates it is the father, the mother or a relative who is emotionally close or significant to the child.
It should be communicated immediately or as soon as possible.
Choose a quiet, peaceful, and safe place.
Use appropriate physical contact.
Avoid euphemisms and metaphors, such as: “he went to a better place”, “he went to another world”
Speak clearly, without too many details or abstract explanations.
Use a warm tone of voice.
Share your emotions.
Show interest in their feelings and thoughts about what happened.
Ask if you have any questions.
Remembering the deceased person.
When communicating the news, it's important to convey that death affects all living beings and is therefore universal, explain what caused it, and ensure they don't feel guilty about the loss. It's also important to clarify that death means nothing in the body functions anymore.
Communicating with them properly helps them process their grief and allows them to participate in the socialization that takes place through rituals.
What is shared must be consistent with the family's beliefs. It's not a good time to talk about God or other topics that aren't part of their family culture.

Expressions we should avoid

The term “has fallen asleep” instead of “has died” can make the child afraid to go to sleep because they may feel that if they fall asleep they will never wake up again.
Similarly, phrases like "they've left us" or "they've gone away" can also lead to misunderstandings. When a father or mother leaves (to work, to shop, etc.), does that mean they won't come back? This can cause children to fear any kind of separation, even if it's temporary.