Characteristics of family communication in adolescence

It's a normal part of adolescence for teenagers to test their relationship with their parents, challenging pre-existing family rules and demanding greater freedom and autonomy. It's common for both parents and children to feel frustrated by the changes in their communication style, but this is a process that requires time and constant adjustments.

Many parents perceive their teenage children as distant or extremely reactive and feel confused by their behavior, unsure how to react. Adolescence involves a process of differentiation from parental roles as teenagers search for their own identity. Sometimes this search for identity clashes directly with family values or norms, frequently generating conflict between parents and children.

The expression of affection is also a changing aspect, and they may actively avoid displays of affection that were normal in childhood but are now considered shameful.

At this stage, it is especially important for parents to try to put themselves in their children's shoes, trying to understand this stage of development in order to give meaning to behaviors inherent to adolescence that at first may seem transgressive, provocative, and conflictive.

Some common attitudes that arise with the arrival of adolescence and that are often a cause for concern for most parents are:

Feeling that the teenager refuses or shuts down in response to attempts at communication by the parents.

Many parents experience anxiety when their children remain silent. They worry especially if they believe there's a problem the teenager is refusing to share.

How should we act? Communication is a two-way street. It's advisable that we, as parents, also share our concerns with our teenage children to serve as role models. Another key aspect is that our children may perceive us as unavailable or feel interrogated by our questions. We recommend being patient, showing availability, genuine curiosity, and using modeling.

Feeling that the teenager is never available.

It may seem as though they always have other plans, are constantly connected with their friends, and family takes a backseat. We can go from very close relationships in childhood to a marked distance in adolescence. It's important to learn to respect their need for space. This means giving up on doing enjoyable activities with them.

How to act? It's recommended to show interest in their hobbies and interests and to suggest (without being pushy) activities you can do together. Regarding the use of technological devices, lead by example and keep in mind that prohibiting them only increases desire.

Feeling that the teenager is always in a bad mood and snaps at the slightest thing.

Adolescence is a stage of multiple changes—not only social, but also physical, biological, and neurological—that make some teenagers especially sensitive or emotionally reactive. It's advisable not to take this personally, although this doesn't mean we should tolerate aggressive behavior or disproportionate reactions.

How to react? Try to stay calm and not overreact to comments like "I hate you," "You're making my life miserable," or "I wish you weren't my parent." If we learn to remain calm and firm in the face of these kinds of comments, we will help our child develop self-regulation and teach them a different way to respond in highly emotional situations.

To feel that every negotiation is a life-or-death battle.

In their search for autonomy and identity, it is common for adolescents to begin questioning established family rules and norms.

How to act? Teenagers may or may not rebel systematically, but usually, this challenge to parental authority is a way of signaling a change in their developmental stage. It's crucial to choose which battles we want to fight. Keeping a teenager grounded 24/7 isn't effective, and constantly being sulky won't improve our communication skills either. To avoid this, agreeing on a set of firm rules and establishing consequences for breaking them can be a good starting point, and from there, we can be open to negotiation.

Feeling that we cannot prevent them from making mistakes.

It is essential that parents learn to tolerate the decisions their children make, even if they feel they are making a mistake, so that they can become autonomous and self-regulated individuals.

How to act? Letting teenagers experience the consequences of their decisions for themselves and learn to tolerate frustration is a way to turn them into competent people capable of managing and resolving conflicts.

This is an original article from Escola de Salut del Hospital Sant Joan de Déu Barcelona.   For more information on family communication, consult the   12th FAROS Report "A look at the mental health of adolescents - Keys to understanding and supporting them."